Do You Want Mr. Bill Hanging Around Your House At Christmas? Ohhhhhh Noooooo!

Several years ago, my brother Nathan became obsessed with Mr. Bill, the cringe-inducing claymated Saturday Night Live character with a high voice and a tendency to undergo oodles of mishaps thanks to his “friend” Mr. Hands and the villainous Sluggo. He and his yellow dog Spot somehow manage to start off each new episode in one piece, but they’re never in good shape by the end.

Mr. Bill Reads a Christmas Postcard is a 2004 ornament produced by Carlton Cards. Of course, it found its way into Nathan’s stocking, and it’s hung on our tree every year since. The ornament features a hard plastic chair, green on top and red on the bottom, upon which Mr. Bill and Spot rest. From the bottom of the chair to the top of Mr. Bill’s head, it’s about five inches. The bottom of the chair is about two by two and a half inches. This makes for a rather large ornament that requires a strong branch to support it, unless you just want to stand him up on a shelf or table, which isn’t a bad idea since otherwise the postcard Mr. Bill holds is likely to become lost, as ours has.

The chair is made of hard plastic, and Spot of less-hard plastic that is slightly pliable. For some reason, not only are his feet molded to the chair, his tail is as well. He’s a golden color, and he stands with his mouth open and red tongue hanging out. He has no distinguishable nose, but his eyes are large black circles covered with glitter. Bill, next to him, is of much softer material meant to approximate the feel of clay. He is entirely squeezable, so you can manipulate him into a number of odd positions if you are so inclined.

Spot, who is standing, is about an inch and a half tall and two inches long, while Bill, who is seated, stands about three and a half inches tall and is a couple of inches long where his legs stick out. He has bright yellow shoes, belt, buttons and hair; white hands and face; blue pants; the same sparkly eyes as Spot; and a red shirt, nose and mouth frozen open in a wide “O” - the better for screaming “Ohhhhhh noooooo!” with.

Mr. Bill is an interactive figure that does not require hook-up into a Christmas light. Instead, you just put the three cell batteries in, and all you need to do is push down on the striped green portion of the chair. Do that, and you’ll get to hear Mr. Bill utter one of three possible screechy phrases: “Oh no, he’s gonna be mean to me!”, “Now, you leave me alone! Please don’t do that - ooooohhhhh!” and “No, you be careful there! Oh - now wait - ooooooh nooooo!!!!” Illuminating? Hardly. Annoying? You bet.

If you love Mr. Bill as much as Nathan does, then this rather morbid ornament is probably a good choice. But if you haven’t yet had the dubious pleasure of getting acquainted with this Play-doh travesty, you’re probably better off remaining strangers.