Dr. Demento Presents the Not-Quite-Greatest Christmas Novelty CD of All Time

I love Christmas music of all kinds. Sometimes, that means the just plain silly. If you, too, like to get a little goofy at Christmastime, Dr. Demento Presents the Greatest Christmas Novelty CD Of All Time is a pretty good choice. Now, I might take issue with the title, as some of my favorite novelty Christmas songs are missing, and not all the tracks leave me in stitches. Still, there’s some great stuff on here, including several songs you might have heard on the radio in December. In fact, I received this after my mom jokingly told my aunt that I wanted a hippopotamus for Christmas. My aunt responded by tracking down this CD, which contains the song that inspired that suggestion. I’m glad she did.

The Chipmunk Song - It seems that most people fall in to the “love it” or “hate it” camp when it comes to Ross Bagdasarian’s high-pitched ditty that has been a Christmas staple for half a century. Theodore, Simon and especially Alvin are anxious for Christmas. Hapless Dave Seville just wants them to get through the song, but Alvin needs to make it clear just how desperately he wants a hula hoop. When you think about it, that’s an awfully modest request. But there’s nothing modest about his haranguing manner in driving the point home. “We can hardly stand the wait; please, Christmas, don’t be late!”

All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth - Spike Jones was a big name in novelty records, and this is one of his most memorable efforts. The liner notes point out that this is the earliest song on the album, hailing from the late 1940s, and it’s chock full of silly sound effects, as well as trumpeter George Rock’s ridiculous kiddie voice. A kazoo-laden instrumental version of Jingle Bells and a riff on A Visit From St. Nicholas add to the amusement in this tale of woe from a kid who is tired of his dental issues making him incomprehensible. “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth so I can with you Merry Chrithmath!”

Jingle Bells - Cheerful guitar and jingling bells make an innocuous background for this rather head-scratching track. It’s dogs. Barking Jingle Bells. It reminds me of the little Casio keyboard I got when I was six or so, in which one of the sound options was barking dogs. Fun when you’re a little kid. Probably not something you really want to listen to for more than a few seconds as an adult.

The Twelve Gifts of Christmas - This Allan Sherman take on the tedious Christmas classic is the first off-kilter version that I heard, and I still consider it one of the best. His amusingly bland voice, used to such great effect in Letter From Camp, tickles the funny bone again as he chronicles the ridiculous gifts he has received for Christmas. The list is just as absurd as in the original; the difference is that this guy realizes how bizarre it all is. A quirky commentary on the commercialism and kitsch the often accompany Christmas. “On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a statue of a lady with a clock where her stomach ought to be, a simulated alligator wallet, a calendar book with the name of my insurance man, green polka-dot pajamas and a Japanese transistor radio.”

I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas - I discovered this song written by John Rox and recorded by brassy-voiced youngster Gayla Peevey about four years ago, but it’s been floating around since in the early 1950s. Gayla, who was ten at the time, actually got her hippopotamus, which she donated to the Oklahoma City Zoo, which I imagine was a little roomier than her “two-car garage.” Stereotypically, children are known to petition Santa for ponies and puppies for Christmas. This song is thinking out of the box, and as a life-long hippo lover, I always get a smile out of it. “No crocodiles or rhinoceroses; I only like hippopotamuses, and hippopotamuses like me too!”

Nuttin’ for Christmas - Stan Freberg is one of several singers who recorded this song in the 1950s. He sounds like quite the rascal, with a voice that reminds of ne’er-do-well Lampey in Pinocchio. I prefer versions where the kid seems contrite over his misdeeds; here, he most definitely revels, even going so far as to conspire with a Christmas burglar. Definitely not a child to emulate… “I did a dance on Mommy’s plants, climbed a tree and tore my pants, filled the sugar bowl with ants. Somebody snitched on me.”

A Christmas Carol - I love Tom Lehrer, one of the mid-century pillars of the novelty music scene. Very much like Straight No Chaser’s Christmas Can-Can but a good deal shorter, and only featuring one singer, this is a cynical look at Christmas shopping craziness. It incorporates several traditional carols like Hark! The Herald Angels Sing, Angels We Have Heard on High and God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, inserting new lyrics poking fun at the insanity that ensues this time of year. “On Christmas Day, you can’t get sore. Your fellow man you must adore. There’s time to rob him all the more the other three-hundred and sixty-four.”

Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer - I have mixed feelings about this Randy Brooks song. Really, it’s in rather poor taste. On the other hand, it has been known to make me chuckle now and then. Not poor Grandma’s plight, but some of those lines are pretty funny. Plus, my beloved Irish Rovers recorded it before Elmo and Patsy did, and loyalty compels me to at least tolerate their version, which is a lot less hickish than this one, in which the singers sound tipsy half the time. I do love the part, though, when “Grandpa” kicks in with his super-deep voice… “Grandma got run over by a reindeer walkin’ home from our house Christmas Eve. You can say there’s no such thing as Santa, but as for me and Grandpa, we believe.”

I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas - Recorded by Harry Stewart as Yogi Yorgesson, this is another pretty old track, hailing from 1949. As a gal with Swedish blood who loves listening to Garrison Keillor’s A Prairie Home Companion, I get a kick out of this faux Scandinavian who tells us, in his ridiculous accent, all the ways he gets a little loony at Christmas. And mostly, that seems to be a good thing. Also, the second song on the album to draw heavily from A Visit From St. Nicholas. “Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas. Shopping sure drives me berserk. On the day before, I rush in da store like a nervous nelly yerk…”

The Twelve Gifts of Christmas - Here’s another 12 Days parody, and it’s more of a comedy routine than a straightforward song. Bob and Doug McKenzie, a Canadian comedy duo portrayed by Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas in a series of Great White North sketches, present a more talking than singing list of gifts, and it’s sort of the opposite of Allan Sherman’s song since this is stuff they actually want to get. It’s very salt-of-the-earth stuff: beer, bacon, French toast, turtlenecks, comic books… They only really make it to day eight before konking out, and they never quite manage to sync up with the cheesy background music that’s always running too fast for them, but that’s part of the fun. “Boy, that song was a beauty. It… it moved me.” “Yeah, I think it ranks up there with Stairway to Heaven.”

Green Chri$tma$ - And here we have the second 12 Days parody in a row, though that’s only one element of this old-timey Stan Freberg sketch that deposits Ebenezer Scrooge and Bob Cratchit into a board meeting in which Scrooge and his sycophants espouse the value of using Christmas to advertise products while Bob tries to argue for the true meaning of the holiday. Parodies of We Wish You a Merry Christmas, Deck the Halls and Jingle Bells make an appearance, and carols like O Come All Ye Faithful show up in instrumental form. It presents a pretty bleak picture of how thoroughly Christmas has turned into a big cash cow, and it ends on a bit of a downer. A tad on the preachy side, but it makes its point effectively. “Christmas has two S’s in it, and they’re both dollar signs.” “Yeah, but they weren’t there to begin with. The people keep hoping you’ll remember, but you never do.” “Remember what?” “Whose birthday we’re celebrating.”

I’m a Christmas Tree - Short and pretty much pointless. A collaboration between Wild Man Fischer and Dr. Demento himself, It’s a tuneless dirge by two guys accompanied only by jingle bells, and they lament how depressing it is to be a Christmas tree. Well, it certainly sounds depressing, and they appear to be making it up off the top of their heads, which accounts for the fact that half the time they are spouting different lyrics. No rhythm, little rhyme, nonsensical, and they sound drunk. “Oh, Santa Claus! Oh, Santa Claus! He breaks lots of laws! He trespasses! He breaks and enters! He travels all around the world without a valid passport!”

I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus - A one-note parody with a twist ending. In the original song, the kid gets a little peek and the humor lies in his misunderstanding of the situation. Here, the narrator, the adult Kip Addotta sounding like a whiny kid and thus not very musical, gets a whole big eyeful, and no matter who it is underneath that Santa suit, he comes across as a major peeping tom. A xylophone, accordion and trombone add to the rather annoying sound of the track. “There must be some mistake. Was I really awake? I rubbed my eyes and moved in close, a better look to take…”

Santa Claus and His Old Lady - In this Cheech and Chong sketch, one is trying to explain to the other who Santa Claus is, and it’s a pretty strange take on the iconic character. They both seem kinda stoned, which I guess is pretty typical for the duo. A bit of instrumental background music and a reference to Donde Este Santa Claus?, but mostly it’s just straight talking and pretty dull. “Oh, man, like you don’t know you Santa Claus is, man.” “Yeah, well, I’m not from here, man. Like, I’m from Pittsburgh. I don’t know too many local dudes.”

Christmas at Ground Zero - Usually I love Weird Al Yankovic, but I just can’t find anything funny about nuclear fallout. And I thought his Night Santa Went Crazy was grotesque! He really does sound insane here in this original song, and not in a good way. The cheesy 40s-style background music just makes it all the more irritating. “It’s Christmas at Ground Zero. The button has been pressed. The radio just let us know that this is not a test.”

Christmas Dragnet - Stan Freberg and Daws Butler collaborate on this nearly 7-minute-long Dragnet-style sketch that finishes off the album. A guy named Grudge doesn’t believe in Santa Claus, and they bring him in for questioning. Joe and Frank exchange banter with each other and him. Rambly Frank has a crisis of faith, terse Joe tries to prove Santa’s existence, the three of them head up to the North Pole to investigate further. Okay, but a bit on the drab and overlong side. “It’s Santa Claus! It’s Santa Claus!” “He’s the only guy I know can make everybody happy in one night.”

All the songs I really love are in the first half of the album; the rest are somewhere on the scale between so-so and annoying. The great stuff outweighs the clunkers for me, but it’s an album that I tend to skip around on. Chances are, though, that you will find at least one or two songs here to tickle your funny bone.

Don't Let Skipper Dan Get You Down; Jungle Cruise Is Terrific!

A couple years ago, Weird Al Yankovic released a song entitled Skipper Dan about a disenchanted actor who believed he was on the path to theatrical greatness but took a wrong turn somewhere and wound up stuck as the skipper of a jungle cruise amusement park attraction. “I’m laughin’ at my own jokes, but I’m crying inside, ‘cause I’m workin’ on the jungle cruise ride,” he moans. It’s my favorite song on Al’s Internet Leaks EP, an endearingly melancholy little number, and the fact that this guy is an actor just makes his melodrama a little more understandable. He probably has an inflated sense of his talent, and in any case, he’s exaggerating his misfortune. I’m sure there are plenty of people who would love to be in his shoes. But I get it. He hasn’t won a plum role on Broadway, I haven’t written a hit song or the Great American Novel. I can relate.

I thought about Skipper Dan when I went to Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom on my recent trip to Florida because the first ride I went on in the park was the Jungle Cruise. It was also the last ride I went on. We had two very different guides each time we rode, and our first one seemed very much like a female version of Skipper Dan. I couldn’t tell if it was an act and she was going for deadpan humor, or if she hadn’t quite woken up yet, or if she was a sad shell of an aspiring starlet who felt she’d been condemned to a purgatory of cheesy puns on endless repeat. As much as everyone wants to visit Disney World, I would think that working there would be an absolute dream for most people. But maybe not… “Stay in school, kids,” both guides warned us as the ride wrapped up. How inspiring.

While I really couldn’t tell if our first guide was enjoying herself or not, our second skipper, an older guy who at first glance seemed a little crotchety, really seemed to be getting a kick out of his shtick once we got going. That made the second time around even more fun than the first even though we saw most of the jokes coming this time – or maybe partly because of it. Our first guide played it very detached, almost as though she were a recording, while the second was more interactive, and it made for a livelier experience. Both times, we scarcely had to wait to get on a boat, though I got the impression that lines were much longer around midday.

The Jungle Cruise is a very relaxing, enjoyable ride that’s just right to ease you into or out of a long day of ride-hopping. It has a retro feel to it, with all sorts of charming animatronics, most of which have a humorous edge to them. You’ve got elephants spraying water out of their trunks, a rhino getting uncomfortably close to an explorer’s posterior, a band of gorillas trashing a base camp… There’s not much danger of mistaking these creations for flesh-and-blood safari creatures, but the likenesses are still strong, and it’s fun to imagine that one of them might venture toward the boat at any moment. Additionally, because the boat moves so slowly, it’s easy to snap pictures while you’re out on the water, so go ahead and get your camera out.

When I was in high school, I volunteered at the Erie Zoo every October during ZooBoo, the nighttime Halloween event. My favorite of the many volunteer jobs was serving as the narrator for the train ride, which took visitors through the creepily decorated Safariland, which had a different theme each year. The one consistent thing about the spiel was that it was extremely corny, and after almost every ride, somebody would holler to me as he got off the train, “Hey, you could use a new script!” But I loved it, and I never got tired of making those punny wisecracks. Hence, riding the Jungle Cruise had a pleasantly familiar feel to it. Almost like coming home.

So Skipper Dan might not appreciate his job much, but it sure doesn’t seem like a bad gig to me. This leisurely trip through the jungle is one of the most sedate, family-friendly rides at Disney World, and as long as you approach it with the right attitude, it’s a tour to tickle the funny bones of young and old alike.

My Least Favorite Christmas Songs

I absolutely love most Christmas music. It gets to be this time of year, and this strange euphoria grips me as the music on the radio and on the loudspeakers at the mall, where I work, suddenly shifts into Christmas mode. It utterly energizes me. But once in a while, there comes along a song I just don't like very much. Here are a few of those.

One Christmas Catalogue - I had never heard this song by one Captain Sensible before my brother, who was working at The Gap at the time, mentioned it to me. He described it as the weirdest Christmas song he ever heard, and I pretty much agree. I'm not sure it's quite accurate to say I “dislike” it since I collapse into giggles every time I hear it. But this techno-style song with its disappointingly unambitious turkeys and random spoken outbursts of the word “Christmas” sure makes me scratch my head. “And there's a turkey in the wings. It doesn't dance and it can't sing. One Christmas catalogue too many. One Christmas catalogue for you.”

The Cherry Tree Carol - I adore Peter Paul and Mary's live Christmas album, and if I had to choose only five Christmas albums to listen to for the rest of my life, that would almost certainly be one of them. But doggone it, this song is just annoying. It's a traditional folksong that I've nonetheless never heard elsewhere, and in it, Mary comes across as a whiny diva, while Joseph needs a stint in anger management and yet-to-be-born Jesus is a show-off. And I thought the George Washington cherry tree tale was goofy... “Then Mary said to Joseph, so meek and so mild, 'Joseph, gather me some cherries, for I am with child.' … Then Joseph flew in anger, in anger flew he. 'Let the father of the baby gather cherries for thee...'”

Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime - All right, this one kinda grates on me too. I love Paul McCartney, and I generally dig his stuff more than John Lennon's, but despite the contempt Lennon often had for Christianity, I can't help loving Happy X-Mas and finding it inspiring. Meanwhile, I can't help disliking this song and finding it insipid. “The choir of children sing their song; they practiced all year long” especially gets to me. 'Cause really? It sounds like they practiced for about ten minutes. And like their director managed to select the Dumbest Song Ever for them to sing for this auspicious occasion.

Happy Holiday - Just irritating. This song, the most common version of which is the swingin' rendition by Andy Williams, has some of the stupidest lyrics in all of Christmas music. The tone of the song is so flippant, it just sounds like he's poking fun at the whole thing. He also sounds borderline tipsy. Eye-rolling. “It's the holiday season, so whoop de do and dickory dock. Don't forget to hang up your sock, 'cause just exactly at 12 o'clock he'll be comin' down the chimney down...”

Little Saint Nick - The Beach Boys are notable for their amazing harmonies, and that's still present here. And I suppose there's a certain charm in their taking their tendency to sing about souped-up cars and transferring it to Santa's sleigh. But boy howdy, “Christmas comes this time each year”? Thank you, Captain Obvious... And I'll just lump in Run, Rudolph, Run here because there's something about that song that seriously gets on my nerves, especially when Chuck Berry sings it. Something about the weird syntax, I think. And "reindeers".  And the word “wet” as a verb.

The Christmas Shoes - I feel like this makes me a terrible curmudgeon. The thing is, I think I enjoyed this Newsong tune well enough the first few times I heard it. But then it just started getting on my nerves. It's way overplayed, and it's just so over-the-top. What really bugs me, I think, is the bridge. Granted, I understand that people come into each other's lives at particular times and affect one another deeply, and sometimes that can feel positively providential. And maybe it is. But something just really rubs me the wrong way about the narrator belting out his conviction that “God had sent that little boy to remind me what Christmas is all about.” Um, this kid is about to lose his mother to a terminal illness. Maybe it's not all about you, dude. And kid, your heart's in the right place, but if your mom is that close to death, my guess is she'd rather have you there than out here fighting the crowds and risking not getting back home in time. “Can you hurry, sir? Daddy says there's not much time. See, she's been sick for quite a while, and I know these shoes will make her smile, and I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.”

The 12 Days of Christmas - Any straightforward version of the song with no humor added in. I just have come to find that I lack the patience for this one. Of course, I could listen to the Straight No Chaser version all day, but the whole point of that one is making fun of the absurdity of the song while paying tribute to lots of other great Christmas tunes. (And Toto.) If you stop to think about the lyrics, they are completely nonsensical. Every gift but the five golden rings is alive, and half of the gifts are people, for crying out loud. Now, maybe that just means that your true love hired some very lavish entertainment, but whatever the case may be, it's all a little too extravagant for my tastes, and the song is just way too monotonous. “On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping, 10 lords a-leaping, 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 golden rings, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtledoves and a partridge in a pear tree.”

Santa Baby - This one gets played on the mall radio a lot. There are lots of different versions; Madonna's probably annoys me the most. It just sort of encapsulates everything that's wrong with this time of year. Oh, the unrelenting avarice! I suppose I should applaud this person for being so virtuous all year (which the speaker in Simple Plan's similarly annoying My Christmas List doesn't seem to have bothered with), but she (or occasionally he) sure doesn't seem very sincere about it, and it's all for personal gain. And such big-ticket items... I mean, a platinum mine??? Maybe what this person really needs to do is snag the true love of the speaker in the song just above... “Santa baby, and fill my stocking with a duplex and checks. Sign your X on the line, Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight.”

Baby, It's Cold Outside - Okay, so this really isn't a Christmas song at all, but it gets so much airplay this time of year that it might as well be. It's just this gin-soaked, smoky exercise in seduction, and while I suppose the girl is just playing hard to get, a part of me feels like she really would like to get away and this guy is pretty much holding her captive. Some versions include extra flirtatious banter that make it seem more obviously two-sided, but those tend to annoy me just as much. Celtic Thunder's Ryan Kelly covered this song recently along with singer Charley Bird, and he identified it as one of his all-time favorite Christmas songs, but I really could do without it. “There's bound to be talk tomorrow; (Think of my lifelong sorrow) At least there will be plenty implied. (If you caught pneumonia and died...)”

Christmas Wrapping - I wasn't going to include this song by the Waitresses because it's grown on me in the past couple of years, since I've heard it enough on the mall radio to finally catch most of the lyrics.  It's actually a rather amusing and sweet story of a gal and a guy who circumstances seem determined to keep apart, until fate intervenes at Christmastime.  But for years before that, all I really noticed was the blah, monotonous tone of the singing and the equally monotonous melody.  And my best friend berated me for leaving this off the list.  So here it is!  "'Bah, humbug!' No, that's too strong 'cause it is my favorite holiday.  But all this year's been a busy blur.  Don't think I have the energy..."

The Night Santa Went Crazy - Weird Al is generally a pretty G-rated guy, and he's certainly been a big inspiration to me in my lyric-writing endeavors. But this twisted take on the jolly old elf just makes me cringe. Instead of rampaging reindeer running over Grandma (another song I'm not a huge fan of), we've got Santa flipping his lid and going all Rambo on everybody at the North Pole. It's a Christmas bloodbath, and I want none of it. “Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doin' time in a federal prison for his infamous crime. Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears, 'cause he'll be out for good behavior in 700 more years!”

Last Christmas - This one has to take the cake as my least favorite. The speaker annoys the heck out of me. Talk about whiny! No wonder the addressee of the song dropped his (or her) heart like a hot potato at the first opportunity. Now, that's mean. I shouldn't say that. I should have a little empathy for this poor schmuck. But somehow, I just can't muster up the energy. The lyrics are obnoxious and often seem contradictory, and there's something so profoundly unlikable about the speaker that all my empathy is reserved for whoever the supposed new object of his (or her) affections is. George Michael's original version is probably still my least favorite, but I've never met a rendition I liked. Though I'll grant that Keith Harkin's is almost tolerable. “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special.”

This is surely not exhaustive, but it's a start. I may add to it later if I come up with some other Christmas songs that make my skin crawl. Up next, the more pleasant – and vastly more difficult – exercise of coming up with favorites. But I can't deny the fun of ripping these apart just a bit. This has been a part of Shopaholic_Man's Christmas Music Write-Off. Make a joyful noise and join in the fun!

Weird Al's The Food Album Tickles Taste Buds and Funny Bones

Weird Al Yankovic is one strange guy. But boy, is he talented. I’ve been admiring his lyrical prowess for years, and since I started writing song parodies in earnest myself, I have considered him a major influence. But Al doesn’t stop with the lyrics. An accomplished singer and musician, he’s built a career on his precise mimicry of the songs of others, as well as his crafting of truly off-the-wall original recordings. One subject that seems to come up again and again throughout his albums is food, so it’s little surprise that he decided to devote an entire album to parodies on this theme with The Food Album.

Fat - One of two Michael Jackson parodies on this album, both of which gained far greater popularity than the other tracks. This is a song about a guy who really loves to eat, which has led to his having a rather unwieldy girth. An amusing song, and just over-the-top enough that it doesn’t really come across as mean-spirited. “If I have one more pie a la mode, I’m gonna need my own zip code...”

Lasagna - Starting off with a fun accordion solo, this La Bamba parody is a tribute to Italian food, which Al sings with a rather stilted accent. As in Eat It, it seems he’s taking on the voice of a mom who is pushing food on a reluctant eater, though in this case, I get the impression that the recipient of her meals is probably an adult. Slightly hard to understand some of the lyrics with his accent, but as a big fan of Italian food, I dig this one. “Have-a more ravioli. You a-get roly-poly, a-nice and a-big, like you cousin Luigi.”

Addicted to Spuds - When my brother Nathan was younger, he had a curious obsession with potatoes. In one of his art classes, he drew a poster of a “flock” of potatoes romping joyously upon a sun-drenched plain under the words “Free the Potatoes!” On another occasion, he produced a poster of a movie starring Paul Shaffer of The Late Show with David Letterman as a character named Potato. Clearly, Nathan was addicted to spuds and could have been the subject of this song. Al’s voice seems to veer off-key at times here, but I imagine that’s intentional. Thanks to that catchy Superbowl commercial from 2006, my first association with Addicted to Love is always going to be LOST, to which I clearly was (and probably still am) addicted, but I’ll be glad to listen to this as I munch on some French fries. “Potato skins, potato cakes. Hash browns and instant flakes. Baked or boiled or French fried. There’s no kind you haven’t tried.”

I Love Rocky Road - Al sounds like a slightly crazed teen with a braces lisp here, which makes his choice of favorite ice cream rather unfortunate. There’s no indication in the song that rocky road is any worse for him than a less chunky style of ice cream, but I can’t help but suspect that maybe part of the attraction is the knowledge that his eating habits would horrify his orthodontist. Silly sound effects, a bit of accordion and a chorus of Chipmunky voices at the end add to the fun here. “When I'm all alone, I just grab myself a cone, and if I get fat and lose my teeth that's fine with me. Just lock me in the freezer and throw away the key.”

Spam - I like the way the vocals overlap slightly on this song; it‘s always fun to hear Al sing with himself. This is a silly, electric guitar-heavy ode to everybody‘s favorite mystery meat. The lyrics are rather laughably simplistic, which seems to go with the cheapy quality of the food being celebrated. “The tab is there to open the can. The can is there to hold in the Spam.”

Eat It - Arguably Al’s most famous song, this parody of Beat It has Al taking on the role of a nagging parent whose child does not want to eat. It’s an expertly crafted parody, and it touches on a pretty universal experience. Al is a fun mix of goofy and imposing here; I can easily imagine Everybody Loves Raymond’s Marie letting loose with a diatribe like this when her boys were young. This song helped launch Al‘s career, and it‘s easy to see why. “How come you're always such a fussy young man? Don't want no Captain Crunch, don't want no Raisin Bran. Well, don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan? So eat it, just eat it!”

The White Stuff - When I saw this title, I had a hard time figuring out what this parody of The Right Stuff would be about. Halfway through the first verse, I still wasn’t sure, but when it finally hit me, I had to commend him on his cleverness, though I somehow have managed to be pretty much immune to the charms of the cookie he lauds. “Oh oh oh oh oh, oh O-reo! What’s in the middle? The white stuff!”

My Bologna - This accordion-heavy parody of My Sharona was the first of Al’s parodies to make it to number one of Dr. Demento’s countdown. It’s among Al’s simplest songs, which makes sense since it comes from so early in his career, but it’s certainly catchy. “Goin' to the market now, market now. I'm the city's biggest bologna buyer. Walkin' down the shopping aisles, shopping aisles, filling up my basket with Oscar Mayer.”

Taco Grande - Instead of Italian, Al dons a Spanish accent here. Pretty similar to Lasagna, except that the speaker is requesting food instead of offering it. There’s a lot of Spanish in this one, and since I don’t understand Spanish, I kinda feel like I’m missing out on something, and the fact that I don’t know the original song or like Mexican food also makes it a little harder to connect with this one. Still, it’s good for a chuckle or two. “You want some more cinnamon crispas? If you don't, hasta la vista. Just take the rest home in a doggie bag if you wanna. You can finish it mañana.”

The Rye or the Kaiser - Despite being a fan of Weird Al for half my life, I’d only heard three of the songs on this album before listening to it for the first time this week. This is my clear favorite of the new bunch, as it riffs on Eye of the Tiger, a song that always puts me into fist-pumping mode, and amusingly imagines a less than glamorous future for Rocky. There’s something both sad and sweet in the picture of this prize fighter now standing behind a deli counter taking orders. At least he seems to take as much pride in this new line of work as he did in boxing... “Try the rye or the kaiser, they're on special tonight. If you want, you can have an appetizer. You might like our salami, and the liver's all right. And they'd really go well with the rye or the kaiser.”

Weird Al seems to have a special knack for writing about munchies, so if you’re looking for a way to make light of your lunch, check out The Food Album. Just don’t listen with your mouth full or laughter-induced choking may ensue...

Around Epinions in 80 Days: Skipper Dan Leads the Pack on Weird Al's Internet Leaks

I’ve been a fan of the delightfully loopy Weird Al since middle school, and I’ve been following his music with particular interest since I started my ongoing parody-writing project in 2006. Later that year, he released Straight Outta Lynwood, a full-length album that tickled my funny bone in a big way. Last year, Al decided to do something a little different. He crafted an EP, which he released online one song at a time - hence the title Internet Leaks. Every Weird Al fan had ample opportunity to listen to his songs for free and chuckle over the corresponding YouTube video well before the full album was available for purchase. Pretty cool of him... But then, that’s Al!

Whatever You Like - The funny thing about this song is that I heard a different parody of T. I.’s Whatever You Like before I heard either this or the original song. The schoolchildren who adapted the song to make it an anthem of civic awareness got a lot of attention during the late 2008 Election Season, and their performance was clever, fun and even inspiring. Weird Al’s enjoyably goofy song also has a slight political element; he starts it off by talking about the crummy economy, then goes on to assure his ladylove that lack of funds won’t stop him from being generous to her. The speaker’s notion of extravagance is rather dubious, however. Melodically monotonous but lyrically inventive, this song is a celebration of all things economical. “And you can always ride the city bus. / Got a stack of tokens just for us. / Yo, my wallet’s fat and full of ones. / It’s all about the Washingtons, that’s right...”

Craigslist - I’m not that crazy about the sound of this song, which approximates The Doors. Weird Al does his best wailing Jim Morrison impersonation, enlisting Doors keyboardist Ray Manzarek to better mimic the band’s style. The video, meanwhile, is filled with trippy images that bear no immediate connection to the lyrics at hand. But it’s a fun song, and those much more familiar with the Doors than I praise it as a meticulous style parody. While the first track is largely a list of cheap items, this is a series of oddball Craigslist ads. Each is bizarre for a different reason.

One offers a very uneven trade of items. Another seeks to reconnect with a You’re Beautiful-style love at first sight. A third, and probably my favorite despite its lack of rhyme, is an unfounded letter of complaint from someone annoyed that somebody else was annoyed about him holding up the coffee shop line while talking on his cell phone, and the last hearkens back to Whatever You Like with a “generous” offer with many strings attached. “Got a trash can of Styrofoam peanuts, / You can have ‘em for free. / You can drop by on the weekend and pick ‘em up from me. / But the trash can ain't part of the deal. / Only givin' you the peanuts, get real. / Don't have no Hefty bags, so bring your own. / Don't bug me with questions on the phone...”

Skipper Dan - My favorite track on the album by far, it’s the only one that isn’t spoofing anyone in particular. It’s the most melodic of the songs, and it has a lovely melancholy tone to it and reminds me of Avenue Q's What Do You Do With a B.A. in English? This one is for all of the frustrated artists out there, whether they’re painters, writers, musicians or, like the narrator of this tragi-comic ballad, thespians. The song, along with its very watchable animated video, lacks the over-the-top silliness of many Weird Al compositions, instead going for a subtler, mellow humor.

In one of M*A*S*H‘s most memorable episodes, Hawkeye Pierce says that he laughs his way through the Korean War to keep from screaming, and that’s sort of the feeling I get from this song. Skipper Dan, a promising young actor who once received accolades but is now stuck doing the groan-worthy narration for an amusement park attraction 34 times a day, is “laughin' at my own jokes but I'm cryin' inside / 'Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride.” As we chuckle at his misfortune, we relieve our angst over our own disappointments. Weird Al at his most poignant. “I should be there on Broadway / Knockin' 'em dead in 12 Angry Men, / But instead I'm here tellin' these lame jokes / Again and again and again and again and again and again and again...”

CNR - When I first heard this, I didn’t think it was a musical homage to anyone in particular, but it’s actually a style parody of the White Stripes. Which shows how much I know about them. Who it did make me think of was Chuck Norris, the subject of so many of those ridiculous statements of superiority that I’ve doled out to eager cell phone users while working for the mobile answering service ChaCha. You’ve probably heard some of them: “Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.” “Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.” “Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.” You get the idea. That’s basically what CNR is - except that the subject is not roundhouse kick king Chuck Norris but the dearly departed (and definitely daffy) Charles Nelson Reilly. I’d been wondering what those letters could stand for and completely cracked up when I found out while watching the hilariously animated JibJab video, into which fans can insert themselves through the magic of photo uploading.

I’ll always remember a Saturday Night Live sketch in which Will Ferrell as James Lipton of Inside the Actor’s Studio interviews Charles Nelson Reilly, heaping him with embarrassingly effusive praise and even inventing a word - “scrumtrulescent” - to describe him because no existing words are sufficient. I’m guessing Al saw that sketch because his song is all about CNR’s scrumtrulescence, although he’s been dramatically reinvented as a larger-than-life Jim Croce-style character (and I love the song’s sly references to Bad, Bad Leroy Brown and You Don’t Mess Around With Jim). The style of the song is loud and screamy, and I would have preferred if he’d taken the nod to Croce further and made it something acoustic and easy-going. But boy, is this song fun, even though it does get a little out of hand. “Charles Nelson Reilly figured out cold fusion, but he never ever told a soul. / I've seen the man unhinge his jaw, and swallow a Volkswagen whole...”

Ringtone - This Queen style parody includes some choral singing, some snazzy electric guitar riffs and a whole lot of falsetto, as well as many instances of there being too many words to comfortably fit in one melodic phrase. The entertaining video features a large cast of characters and focuses largely on one offender who looks a lot like The Office’s Jim Halpert. We get to see him tick off everybody from Barack Obama to Mary Poppins with his irritating ringtone, which we never hear, because somehow I doubt any ditty could live up to this sort of negative hype. It’s not so easy to sing along with, since it kinda goes every which way, as Queen songs are wont to do. But it’s a fun end to the album - and, I suppose, a clever way to encourage fans to buy a Ringtone ringtone and annoy their friends to pieces. “Well, it made my wife so sick / She smashed my iPhone with a brick. / But I had it fixed, and now it's just fine. / It's a pain, I sure don't need it / And I probably should delete it / But for me that would be crossin' the line / 'Cause I hate to waste a buck ninety nine.”

If you’re willing to plunk down $5.99, Internet Leaks is a terrific collection of songs from the King of Parody. And if you’re not, you can always go have a look at YouTube...

If Bad Is Good, Michael Jackson Was the Baddest

I grew up in the 1980s, when Michael Jackson was king, though I never paid much attention to the contemporary music scene, and it wasn't until the early '90s that I got to be really familiar with some of Jackson's biggest solo pop hits. I have to give credit to Weird Al Yankovic - and in turn my brother Benjamin, who force-fed me the master spoofer's parodies until I developed a taste for them - for deepening my appreciation of Michael Jackson. I think the first song I ever heard of his was Eat It, which came on during a ride at an amusement park; the song was halfway over before we realized something was amiss with the words. Eat It, such a hilarious send-up of nagging mothers everywhere, remains one of my favorite Al tunes.

When Benjamin's Al-mania was in full swing, we watched a television special putting His Weirdness's parodies back-to-back with the original videos that inspired them. I'm pretty sure that's the first time I saw the video for Bad, which led to Fat, a song whose lyrics might be considered the natural consequence of too much Eat It-style forced eating. I'm not sure why food and Michael Jackson seem to go together in Yankovic's mind, but then he seems to have an excessive fondness for that subject in general. While I'm not a big fan of fat jokes, as a frame-for-frame parody of the Bad video, Fat, with the Incredibly Expanding Al and the zany sound effects, is brilliant.

From the first snap of his wrist in that dark subway station to the final defiant close-up, this is a visually arresting video. I can see why Al chose to parody both Beat It and Bad, as they are two of the most impressive testaments to Michael's talent, and both involve this gentle soul trying to come off like a total punk. He looks pretty convincing in his black, silver-spangled get-up, strutting around with a flock of equally tough-looking followers, but just as it's hard to be too intimidated by graceful gang members crooning "When you're a Jet, you're a jet all the way" in West Side Story, these perfectly coordinated dancers are a little too sprightly to appear genuinely menacing. I imagine that's part of the point; they're a bunch of posers who want us all to think they're bad. And then they all go home and have tea with their grandmothers.

The choreography in the video is exceptional, and so much of Jackson's genius at this point in his career was about his moves that it's difficult to separate the video from the song itself. This isn't a single you want to listen to only; you want the video on your television so you can play it on repeat, trying all afternoon to replicate the dance steps. There's nothing all that brilliant about the lyrics in and of themselves. It starts off with that classically odd opener, "Your butt is mine," and continues with the trash talk and the repeated assertions of "I'm bad". If you have to say it so many times, something tells me it's probably not true. Still, if "bad is good", as asserted by Zack, the ridiculously 80s-ish visitor to the fairy world in 1992's animated tree-hugging flick FernGully, then at the time this video was made in the late '80s, it's fairly safe to say that Michael Jackson was the baddest guy around.

My appreciation for Michael Jackson runs deepest when I think of him as a humanitarian. Bad doesn't showcase that side of him. But it does display what an exceptional dancer he was, and I get the sense that he had a lot of fun making this video. I hope he did. It sure is fun to watch.

Weird Al Mines Comic Gold Out of Forrest Gump

I've seen quite a few movies in my life, so compiling a definitive list of favorites would be an awfully tall order for me. However, I can safely say that one of the movies that would appear on that list would be Forrest Gump. When it first came out, I didn't pay too much attention, since I thought of it as an adult movie, and I was barely old enough to get in to see it without my parents. Nearly a year later, I'd heard enough about it that I finally went to see it; that it stayed in theaters that long is evidence in itself of its staying power. I saw it. I loved it. We bought it as soon as it came out on video. And shortly thereafter, I was introduced to Weird Al Yankovic and heard his take on this brilliant film.

Before I watched a special comparing the video for this song with the original, I had never heard of Lump, a song by the Presidents of the United States of America, perhaps best known for their catchy ditty Peaches. I wasn't missing out on much. This is one case in which Al's parody makes a great deal more sense than the original, which comes across as pure hard-rocking gibberish.

By comparison, Weird Al's take on the song isn't very weird at all. It's basically a straightforward synopsis of the movie, a song that could be easily turned into a trailer when paired with clips from the film. It touches on several key events and characters without giving too much away. His encouraging mother; "shrimp-lovin'" buddy Bubba; "friend with no legs," Lieutenant Dan; promiscuous childhood sweetheart Jenny and two U.S. presidents all rate a mention. Prominent quotes from the film include "My name is Forrest," "Life is like a box of chocolates," "Stupid is as stupid does" and "Run, Forrest, run" and, the perfect song-stopper, "That's all I have to say about that."

Once you've seen the video of a Weird Al parody, you can't help seeing flashes of it in your head whenever you hear the song. In this video, Al is part of a three-person band jammin’ with percussion and electric guitars, banging their heads to the beat and leaping up, down and every which way in front of a series of Forrest Gump-appropriate backdrops in a frenzy of energy. Sometimes they’re on screen with the confused Forrest look-alike, and sometimes the video intercuts between them. There are brief recreations of some of Forrest’s climactic meetings with historical figures and a deliciously cheesy sequence of him running across a series of landscapes, including the moon. Mostly, though, we see Forrest on the park bench, offering his chocolates to various strangers, each time with disastrous results.

Familiarity with Lump isn’t at all essential to enjoyment of this song, though you’re much more likely to get the most out of it if you’ve seen Forrest Gump. It’s a very fast-paced, hard-rocking song, and generally it wouldn’t be too much to my taste, but it’s far too much fun for me to be turned off by a little cacophony. Anyone who loves the movie as much as I do will probably get a few laughs out of this somewhat skewered ode to one of the sweetest film protagonists the world has ever seen.

Weird Al Produces a Twisted Tribute to the Simple Life With Amish Paradise

When my brother Benjamin was in middle school, he discovered Weird Al Yankovic, and he was eager to introduce the rest of the family to this wacky producer of novelty songs. I wasn't convinced. At the time, it was my policy to disapprove of whatever new music Benjamin brought into the house, but gradually he wore me down, getting me to embrace the man who has since become a major inspiration to me in my own parody-penning efforts. Amish Paradise is probably the song that really sold me on him.

That's a bit odd, since I've never had much time for rap, though Gangsta's Paradise is a song I always felt had merit. What really drew me to Al's parody was his subject matter, as I have always had a fascination with all things Amish. My grandparents live near Lancaster, Pennsylvania, so I've seen my share of the long beards, plain clothes, intricate quilts and horse and buggies that are common to these deeply religious, agriculturally-minded people. But I always welcome to opportunity to read a new story or watch a new movie about them, so why not a song?

Granted, Al pokes fun. But he never comes across as mean-spirited, and he packs his song with all sorts of references to the Amish lifestyle. The vast majority of the words are rapped, but he sings the chorus, which, with the exception of a deviation that makes entertaining use of the Gilligan's Island theme song, consists of "livin' in an Amish Paradise" and as many phrases as he can think of that legitimately rhyme with it. There's also a severe-sounding choir that "ah-ah-ah"s at the beginning and end of the song, giving it an appropriate feeling of antiquity.

As with so many of his songs, the video adds a whole layer of amusement. A friend of Benjamin's taped a special that played several Weird Al videos right after the original videos on which they were based, making for easy comparisons. Al incorporates several clever spoofs of Gangsta's Paradise, while still making it entirely accessible to those who aren't familiar with Coolio's video.

Al's ability to manipulate his voice and appearance to suit his songs has always impressed me, and in this video he looks perfectly natural with his long beard, little glasses and black ensemble, complete with hat. I love the little visual details like the man checking his sundial watch and the "How Am I Driving?" bumper sticker on a horse and buggy. Still, it's the cleverness of Al's lyrics that pack the biggest punch. Stuff like "We ain't really quaint, / so please don't point and stare; / We're just technologically impaired" and "So don't be vain, and don't be whiny, / or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your hiney!"

The response of the stricken Amish community to the tragic Nickel Mines incident goes to show that retribution probably isn't high on the priority list of most of these people, but other details, such as all the references to raising barns, churning butter, plowing, feeding livestock, creating quilts and studying the Bible, ring pretty true. If you want a respectful, realistic portrayal of the Amish, look to Beverly Lewis or Witness. If you just want a silly reminder of some of the things that make this culture unique, Weird Al is the way to go.

Number 1200: Carly Simon Serves Up Tender, Folksy Goodness With Into White

It's been a great year for new albums. Last May, I snatched up Paul Simon's Surprise; in the fall, it was Clay Aiken's A Thousand Different Ways and Weird Al's Straight Outta Lynwood, and January brought Art Garfunkel's Some Enchanted Evening. Then along came my birthday, and with it a gem I'd overlooked: Carly Simon's Into White. I've always enjoyed her music but never included her in my list of indispensable artists. Having had an opportunity to fall in love with this gentle, folksy album - the most tender I've encountered since Garfunkel's Songs From a Parent to a Child - I may just have to amend that...

Into White - This Cat Stevens title song is a sleepy anthem to simple beauty. Simon's husky vocals are complemented by the harmonization of Jimmy Parr and rich instrumentals that occasional seem to betray a Celtic influence.

Oh! Susanna - One of those songs just about everybody in America probably knows. The mystical-sounding flute and persistent kalimba add a unique flavor to a song whose familiarity and simplicity could make for a dull track. Instead, it's ideal for both singing along or just sitting back and listening appreciatively.

Blackbird - A smooth, heartfelt rendition of a Lennon and McCartney classic. The guitar provides a nice undertone, and the chorus of "ooooh"s works well as a bridge, but it's Simon's vocals that really carry this empowering melody.

You Can Close Your Eyes - A gorgeous piano-driven track, penned by James Taylor, Simon's ex-husband. Their children Ben and Sally harmonize with her on this one, and they sound gorgeous together. I'm struck by how much Ben sounds like his father; I'm powerfully reminded of James' rendition of this song, which closed out his concert in Erie last year. It's a very intimate moment on the album.

Quiet Evening - A new composition for this album, it's a contemplative, slightly sultry song. It doesn't grab me as much as some of others, but it's a nice ode to the need for a little personal time now and then, and Simon says in her liner notes that it's her favorite song on the album to sing.

Manha de Carnaval - A Brazilian guitar-driven track in which the only lyrics are "la la la". Despite the lack of words, it's emotionally affecting, with her deft vocals mostly evoking wistfulness.

Jamaica Farewell - One of my favorite tracks on the album, it's a breezy number whose tone is slightly regretful but mostly one of golden nostalgia. Simon's voice is especially quiet here, though never to the point that it is overpowered by the guitar and other instruments, and she and Ben harmonize nicely as a segue into the next song.

You Are My Sunshine - Another of those camp song favorites. This version is much slower than I'm used to, giving it a soulful vibe. The piano, which reminds me a bit of Lean on Me, is what really sets this apart for me, along with the barely audible guitar on the outro, which is reminiscent of waves lapping upon a shore.

I Gave My Love a Cherry - Another very slow arrangement of a famous folk song. I've never been that crazy about this one, but Simon does a nice job with it, and I like the strings that offset the vocals.

Devoted to You / All I Have to Do is Dream - I wasn't familiar with the first song, which makes up the main part of the medley, but it's a very simple, lovely song, which Simon delivers with great gentleness. When the second song, which I know quite well, kicks in atop the remnants of the first, it's a beautiful meshing of voices, with Ben once again complementing his mother beautifully.

Scarborough Fair - Simon and Garfunkel! Yay!! This gorgeous Celtic arrangement of the song they made famous doesn't include their counter-melody. Rather, it has a lovely selection of woodwinds and a couple of verses Simon (Carly, that is) added to the mix. In her liner notes, she credits not only my favorite duo but also the often overlooked Martin Carthy, who showed Paul the song in the first place. Nice gesture, and very nice arrangement of a song I love.

Over the Rainbow - Fairly straightforward and piano-driven, and I think I like it better than the version in The Wizard of Oz. Then again, I never was a big fan of Judy Garland...

Love of My Life - This is the only Simon original of the album, a quiet ode to love with guitar backing. The lyrics are cute, as she lists all sorts of rather random, silly things that she loves, from avocados to Lucy, but none of them as much as the addressee of the song.

I'll Just Remember You - Written by David Saw, who also wrote Quiet Evening, and Ben Taylor, it's a charming, simple song that closes out the album on a note of appreciation. It's a love song, but it could also work as a message of thanks to her fans, helping keep her afloat through the troubles that come with being a famous singer-songwriter. At any rate, it's a pleasant end to the album.

A nice bonus with Into White is the fact that Simon comments on each of the tracks in the liner notes, which isn't something I see a lot. It's fascinating to get a little idea of what she was thinking as she chose and recorded these songs, and her comments are insightful and often very funny. The whole album has a humble feeling to it, as she's setting out to do justice to music she admires, shining the spotlight on others as much as herself. It's a far cry from You're So Vain, but Into White is most definitely an album worth embracing.

Straight Outta Lynwood - Weird Al Yankovic

I don't like most modern music much, but I love Weird Al's spoofing of it in Straight Outta Lynwood. Don't Download This Song and White and Nerdy are particularly brilliant tracks.

Running With Scissors - Weird Al Yankovic

The Saga Begins and Albuquerque make fantastic bookends for Weird Al's loony Running With Scissors.

Alapalooza - Parody Lovers' Paradise

Around the time I was in eighth grade, my brother’s buddies introduced him to an off-the-wall singer by the name of Weird Al Yankovic. As my then-11-year-old brother’s fascination with Al increased, my irritation level rose. Any new music Benjamin was bringing into the house, I stubbornly decided, could not be a good thing. But, gosh darn it, Al wore me down. And after that, there was no turning back…

Amish Paradise - The song that started it all for both Benjamin and me. I had actually heard Gangsta’s Paradise before, so I knew right away what this song was a take-off on. It’s a rap, though pretty “soft” as rap goes. I usually can’t stand even hearing rap (and Al’s new Eminem parody unsurprisingly gives me a bit of a headache), but this I can deal with. And I’ve always been fascinated by the Amish. It’s not exactly a reverent look at the life of these hard-working, old-fashioned, deeply religious Dutchmen, but it does touch on many aspects of Amish life and is also pretty darn funny.

The song is filled with wry comments such as “we’re gonna party like it’s 1699,” “we haven’t even paid a phone bill in 300 years,” “we’re just technologically impaired,” “I never wear buttons but I’ve got a cool hat and my homies agree I really look good in black,” and “I know I’m a million times as humble as thou art.” It also includes a nod to Gilligan’s Island with the line “no phone, no lights, no motorcar, not a single luxury; like Robinson Crusoe, it’s primitive as can be” popping up in one of the choruses. Top-notch.

Everything You Know is Wrong - This one just came out Al’s convoluted brain all by itself, melody included. Very fast-paced and ridiculously random, this song leaves me in stitches every time. It includes a number of pop culture references, including “the floating, disembodied head of Colonel Sanders,” “aliens from space who kinda looked like Jamie Farr,” Golden Grahams, and a Nehru jacket of which St. Peter does not approve. It’s a wild and crazy journey beginning with a wolverine in the narrator’s underwear and ending in an unsavory section of Heaven next to a noisy ice machine. Al’s voice is pitched at an especially whiny level here, and it adds to the hilarity.

Cavity Search - This parody of U2’s Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me has sent cold shivers down my spine on more than one occasion. The mood is loud, chaotic, horrifying. I, like many others out there, hate going to the dentist, and this song, complete with its arsenal of sound effects, is enough to make me ill at ease. The drill is especially unsettling. “Numb me, drill me, floss me, bill me.” Doesn’t sound like fun to me! Good parody, but it gives me the willies…

Callin’ In Sick - Another Al original, this one details all the great things that can be done with the day spent playing hooky from work. “Freedom’s just seven digits away,” the speaker declares, though his ideas for filling up his glorious free time are less than exciting. Shining pennies? Burping Tupperware? Making a tapestry of belly button lint? Wow. As languid as Everything You Know is Wrong is manic, this one’s not quite as absurd but still pretty fun.

The Alternative Polka - I have to admit, this one irritates the heck outta me. It’s just a long list of snippets from then-current songs strung together and sung at a different tempo. For me, it’s long, boring, and headache-inducing.

Since You’ve Been Gone - Short and sweet (or not so sweet), this more than makes up for the regrettable polka. This Al original is a fifties-style ditty with some nice back-up vocals. Very pleasant to listen to. The lyrics are increasingly violent and ultimately ironic. This poor guy is just miserable since his girlfriend/wife’s departure, and he demonstrates the depths of his despair in graphic terms. He compares his pain to chewing on tinfoil, sticking his hand in a blender and turning it on, having a cactus shoved up his nose, and getting a permanent ice cream headache. A surprise twist at the end makes the song all the more enjoyable.

Gump - A case in which the parody makes a lot more sense than the original. Presidents of the USA? I always was quick to point out that spelled out POTUSA. I humbly submit they were using pot, or perhaps something stronger, when composing Lump. My analysis: huh? Gump, however, is a great song poking fun at one of my favorite movies, just out in the theaters at that time. It’s basically a quick plot overview with a few soundbytes thrown in, but it definitely works. “Sittin’ on a bench with his hands in his pockets, he just kept sayin’ ‘Life is like a box of chocolates.”

I’m So Sick of You - Another Al original, and he sounds irritated. He’s stuck with the most aggravating gal on the planet, and he just can’t take it anymore. Her habits include drinking milk out of the carton and biting her toenails, and she boasts such traits as extreme body odor and yellow teeth. Includes some sly self-censoring: “You don’t have an ounce of class, you’re just one big pain in the neck.” An entertaining rant.

Syndicated, Inc. - This parody of Soul Asylum’s Misery is pretty miserable sounding. Perhaps it’s the drone of a man who has spent too much time in front of the television, as this person certainly has. Basically a listing of several syndicated shows, the song pokes fun at people who base their lives around a TV schedule. Show nods include Jeopardy, M*A*S*H (my favorite!), The Munsters, The Partridge Family and Laverne and Shirley.

I Remember Larry - A rather grotesque Al original. Fairly upbeat throughout most of the song, the tone slows towards the end as the speaker exacts vengeance on a neighbor fond of playing cruel and elaborate tricks on him. With such pranks as Nair shampoo, Ex-Lax brownies, and severed cars under his belt, it’s no wonder Larry has made a few enemies, but the ending is rather unnecessarily violent. The chorus is a cover for all the dreadful occurrences listed in the verses. Larry clearly was not a very funny guy, at least to his victims. And the speaker will not forget about Larry, but it won’t be good memories he is carrying.

Phony Calls - This parody of TLC’s Waterfalls makes use of clips of Bart Simpson’s classic phone pranks on Moe, enhancing an already song. The speaker is a cantankerous person who has been bothered often by crank callers. Someone with whom the gullible bartender Bart keeps fooling could definitely sympathize. Or maybe it’s even supposed to be him. At any rate, the song references the classic “Is your refrigerator running?” gag as well as a couple others and serves as a warning to unruly youths out to have some fun at the expense of adults: “If they ever figured out where you were callin’ ‘em from, they’d come and bust your head right in with a ratchet.”

The Night Santa Went Crazy - The album concludes with yet another Al original, and a pretty gruesome one at that. There are two versions of this song in existence because the first is simply too violent for most people’s tastes. The song begins innocently with a music box-like accompaniment for the opening, but that soon changes as Santa bursts in on the working elves and begins his rampage, killing and destroying whoever and whatever he can get his hands on. “Merry Christmas to all! Now you’re all gonna die!” The reindeer suffer an especially dire fate. Not a very cheery Christmas song, and a tad skewered for my tastes, though my brother loves it.

Well, that’s the album. I don’t love every song here, but most of them keep me in stitches. They are occasionally a little crude, but for the most part it’s pretty clean fun. Weird Al is hilarious, and I’m glad Benjamin brought him home after all.

Bad Hair Day - Dinos and Hamsters and Mimes, Oh My!

I’m a big Weird Al fan, but we only have two of his albums on cassette: Bad Hair Day and Alapalooza. Both are filled with songs of high hilarity, along with a few groaners here and there...

Jurassic Park - Man, I gotta love this one. I’m a big fan of Jimmy Webb, who wrote many songs that Art Garfunkel sings, including All I Know, his first solo hit. But when I found out he wrote MacArthur Park, I was shocked. Suffice it to say, I think the parody makes a whole lot more sense than the original. Even Webb can’t seem to remember what he was talking about throughout most of the song. This isn’t quite as long as the original, which, with the late, great Richard Harris at the helm, got the distinction for longest song to hit number one on the charts, beating out American Pie and Hey, Jude. But it does feature the same Mr. Bill-esque “ohhhhhhh, nooooooooo!!!!!!!” caterwauling towards the end.

Sung in the voice of Malcolm, my favorite character from Jurassic Park (Jeff Goldblum so too adorable, and I credit the movie for introducing me to him), it, like Gump, essentially rehashes the plot of the movie, but this time the lyrics are a lot more complicated and everything is done from the perspective of a particular character. A couple references throughout the song make it clear this is the speaker: namely, “A big tyrannosaurus ate our lawyer; well, I suppose that proves they’re really not all bad” (which is preceded by my favorite line in the song, “I cannot approve of this attraction, ‘cause getting disemboweled always makes me kinda mad”) and “this proves my Chaos Theory.” The sounds of people screaming and running from dinosaurs add to this song’s ambiance. Probably my favorite song on the album.

Young, Dumb, and Ugly - An Al original, this song falls on the harder side of rock, with the speakers trying to sound harsh and fierce. They want to convey the impression that they’re not to be messed with, but the examples they provide just make them come across as rather silly. The offenses of these dangerous fellows include leaving a ten percent tip, squeezing toothpaste from the middle, paying phone bills at the last minute (this popped up in Bad Hair Day’s Everything You Know is Wrong - after being offered a chance by the aliens who abducted him to go back to any point in history he desired, he went back in time a week so he could pay his phone bill on time), drinking milk from the carton, and keeping overdue library books for a long time. Ooooh, I’m shaking in my sandals!

Bedrock Anthem - This parody of two Red Hot Chili Peppers songs, the slower, pretty Under the Bridge and the loud and raucous Give it Away pays homage to everyone’s favorite prehistoric family (guess it goes along with the dinosaur theme). After a slow introduction parodying the former song, the majority of the song is loud and mostly just lists the different people and things to be found in Bedrock: Wilma, Pebbles, Dino, Barney (who has “caveman stubble”), and all those nifty Stone Age gadgets involving the slight mistreatment of some creature or another (pterodactyl windshield wipers, bird work whistle, baby elephant vacuum cleaner). And, of course, it’s got a few “yabba dabba doo”s!

Frank’s 2000” TV - This is taking the idea of a big-screen TV to a ridiculous level! Kind of a pretty song, featuring a chorus that chimes in to repeat whenever Al sings the title phrase. This song about a man’s ludicrously large TV set is a nice mellow tune. “It dwarfs the might redwoods and it towers over everyone” “Robert DeNiro’s mole has gotta be ten feet wide.”

Achy Breaky Song - My brother first heard this song a couple years before he became a Weird Al fan. Parodying Billy Ray Cryus’ Achy Breaky Heart, widely played on the radio at the time, it delves into the speaker’s hatred for Cyrus’ song. The list of things the speaker would rather do than put up with this tune grow more deplorable as the song progresses, concluding with the assertion that being tied to a chair and thrown down the stairs or finding a pitchfork lodged in his brain would be preferable to having to listening to Billy Ray. The song also includes a list of apparently cringe-worthy singers - Donny and Marie, New Kids on the Block, the Village People, Vanilla Ice, the Bee Gees, Debbie Boone, Abba, Slim Whitman, Zamfir, Yoko Ono, and Tiffany - though I must admit I like a couple who made the list…

Traffic Jam - This loud song does a good job of sounding like the speaker is stuck in a traffic jam. He’s very frustrated, and hey, who wouldn’t be? He’s been on the road five hours and can still see his house! A song anyone who has ever been in a traffic jam can appreciate.

Talk Soup - Making fun of folks who go on talk shows and spill their guts. I wonder this song may have been the inspiration for my 14-year-old brother’s fictional talk show, Talk Soupy… The whole song is a crazy list of strange habits and disorders that could land this guy on a talk show, from his wife running off with Elvis to enjoying yodeling in the nude. “I'm just an anorexic codependent bingo addict stripper born without a chin, and I'm only comfortable talking about it when the whole wide world is listening in.”

Livin’ in the Fridge - This parody of Aerosmith’s Livin’ on the Edge is a tentative quest to discover the identity of that mystery item in the back of the fridge that’s been there since who-knows-when. Not a pretty sight, and definitely not edible. “Somethin’ stinks in the fridge today, and it’s been rotting there all week. It could be liver cake or wooly mammoth steak, or maybe I should take another peek… arggggghhhhh!!!!!!!”

She Never Told Me She Was a Mime - Gee, I wonder how that happened? This guy’s girlfriend is a full-time mime, which he didn’t discover until a while into their relationship. Now her shtick is ruining everything… “Carries ‘round a picture of Marcel Marceau. Always was the quiet type but how was I to know?”

Harvey the Wonder Hamster - Al’s very short tribute to his very short friend, the amazing, the incredible, Harvey! Yay!!!!! There’s nothing in this song to indicate that Al’s furry little buddy is particularly heroic or impressive (“he doesn’t bite and he doesn’t squeal, he just runs around on his hamster wheel”), but it’s pretty cute nonetheless. And for the brief time Al had a Saturday morning kids’ show, everybody was able to get to know the elusive Harvey a little bit better.

Waffle King - Um. This guy really likes his waffles. He’s perfected what he believes to be the perfect waffle, and now he’s just going to sit back and wait for the accolades to come rushing in. “Can't you tell the universe revolves around me? Don't you know you suckers owe me everything? And can't you see that I'm the highest form of life that there could ever be?”

Bohemian Polka - Why’d they have to put my least favorite song last? Well, at least that means I can just skip the end of the album. I guess I just am not a fan of polka, or not a fan of the songs Al is singing as if they were polkas. This is just Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody sung super-fast. I don’t like it.

But I do like the album on the whole. As many laughs as Bad Hair Day. Pick up a copy and let the chortling ensue.

From Just a Little Loopy to Certifiably Insane

Several years ago, a friend of my brother’s brought over this Dr. Demento compilation and left it with us for quite a while. During that time, many of the songs became ingrained in our psyche, and we would occasionally burst into one of the songs for no particular reason. Many times my brother and I said that we ought to buy the collection one of these days. This year, my parents put an end to the “someday we should”s by presenting me with the Dr. Demento 20th Anniversary Collection on my birthday. And I’m awfully glad they did.

This 36-song set covers decades of the goofiest music ever recorded. Ranging from the silly to the just plain sick, these songs are always good for a laugh (or maybe a groan). The two CDs come with a nice booklet containing information on each of the artists whose work appears in the collection. The booklet explains that this funnybone-tickling music is known as novelty music and used to be enormously popular up until the late 㣠s. Dr. Demento’s show began in the early 㣪s and allowed people to enjoy a genre that had fallen out of favor with the music industry. Introducing audiences to classic and up-and-coming novelty musicians, it became a haven for all those who revel in the slightly deranged or off-kilter. This collection includes a sampling of some of the greatest records played on Dr. Demento’s show, from the early novelty record king Spike Jones to today’s parody royalty, Weird Al Yankovic, who was himself inspired by Dr. Demento’s show.

Now for the track listing. There are so many great tracks here, I’ll probably be compelled to comment on most of them. They really are a treat.

Disc One

1. Delicious! - Okay, this one doesn’t do it for me. I’m a fan of Jim Backus, but this I don’t get. Just him and a woman gushing obnoxiously over the meal they are eating. Couldn’t they have come up with a better start to the collection?

2. The Scotsman - Quite possibly my favorite song in the collection. I guess this makes up for not liking the first song. I’m such a fan of this song, in fact, that I sang it at my college’s Evening of Dubious Taste. It was a hit, and I’m sure my singing voice was not the reason. This folkie a cappella number involves a pair of young ladies who come upon a sleeping Scotsman and determine to answer the age-old question, “I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt?”

3. Junk Food Junkie - A really fun song with sort of a country/folk feel. The narrator croons about his dedication to health food, calling himself “Mr. Natural.” But at night, he is overtaken by a desperate need for junk food: “At night I’m a junk food junkie, oh, Lord, have pity on me.”

4. Eat It - Weird Al’s first big hit. This parody of Michael Jackson’s Beat It assumes the voice of a nagging mother insisting that her children eat the food that is put before them. “Why are you always such a fussy young man? Don’t want no Captain Crunch, don’t want to Raisin Bran. Well, don’t you know that other kids are starving in Japan?”

5. Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavour (On the Bedpost Overnight) – A very fun and pointless song. This is the narrator’s most pressing question, one which plagues him and apparently everyone else, as well. “Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight? If your mother says ‘don’t chew it’ will you swallow it in spite? Can you catch it on your tonsils? Can you heave it left and right?”

6. Wet Dream - Like Delicious!, not a favorite. It’s not a song, but a campy detective story (for Garrison Keillor fans, think Guy Noir) filled with bad fish puns.

7. Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh! Another favorite song. This one is a hoot. It uses that whimsical and familiar tune which, among other things, was the melody borrowed by Velveeta for a series of jingles ("It's Velveeta versus cheddar. Our Velveeta melts much better. Cheddar's runny, cheddar's oily, cheddar drips right off the plate onto your doily.") The narrator is a young boy (voiced by a bored-sounding man, Allan Sherman) writing a letter home to tell his parents about all the horrible things happening at camp and begging to go home. His desperation builds throughout the song – “Take me home, oh Muddah, Faddah, take me home, I hate Granada. Don’t leave me out in the forest where I might get eaten by a bear.” – until a change in circumstances alters his outlook.

8. Wappin’ - A wacky Looney Tunes rap featuring the vocal talents of Darrell Hammond Elmer Fudd, Bugs Bunny, and Daffy Duck.

9. The Purple People Eater - This one’s a classic. Always played around Halloween, it details a man’s encounter with an alien who sounds like Alvin, Simon, and Theodore’s long-lost brother. As threatening as his description sounds, however, he’s just a fun-loving guy who “want[s] to get a job in a rock and roll band.”

10. Monster Mash - Also a Halloween classic, and pretty spooky sounding too. All your favorite ghouls and fiends gather for a party that’s “a graveyard smash.”

11. Cocktails for Two - Not a fan of this one, but I love Spike Jones’ other number.

12. Transfusion - Definitely not a fan of this one either. Gives me the willies…

13. Beep Beep - A fun little song poking fun at the Cadillac. A man riding in his Cadillac engages in a race with a man in a little Nash Rambler – “I’ll show him that a Cadillac is not a car to scorn.” The tempo of the song is very slow at first and gradually increases as the speed of the car increases, finishing at a very fast clip.

14. St. George and the Dragonet - Kinda like Wet Dreams. Spoken, and a parody of both Dragnet and the legend of St. George and the Dragon.

15. Witch Doctor - I’m a huge Chipmunks fan, so of course I love their signature song. This was the one that started it all. In fact, at this point it isn’t even listed as the Chipmunks yet; it’s just The Music of David Seville. Off-the-wall and tons of fun to sing on car trips. “I know that you’ll be mine when I say this to you: Oh baby, ooh ee ooh ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

16. Gitarzan - You can guess the general direction of this song. It doesn’t do anything for me.

17. Earache My Eye - This one doesn’t do much for me either.

18. Dead Puppies - This morbid song brings the first disc to a close. The morose narrator, again a man in the role of a child, laments the fact the “dead puppies aren’t much fun.” It’s amusing in a disturbing way. “My puppy died late last fall. He’s still rotting in the hall.” Yech.

Disc Two

1. Dancin’ Fool - Again, I don’t like the first song on the disc. A little too manic for me.

2. Star Trekkin’ - The most popular of many Star Trek parodies that appeared on Dr. Demento’s show, this one features five of the main characters from the original series. Each verse builds on the next (think The Twelve Days of Christmas), and the soundbytes from Uhura, Spock, McCoy, Kirk, and Scotty erupt into chaos by the end. “Star Trekkin’ across the universe. Only goin’ forward, ‘cause we can’t find reverse.”

3. The Time Warp - I don’t like this one either. A lot of my friends are Rocky Horror junkies, but this song gives me a headache.

4. Masochism Tango - One of two Tom Lehrer songs on this collection. Both are gruesome, over-dramatic, and hilarious. In this song, he tells his ladylove how much enjoys dancing the masochism tango with her, sustaining injuries all the way. “Let our love be a flame, not an ember. Say it’s me that you want to dismember.” Erm… I think I’ll stick with Al Pacino!

5. The Homecoming Queen’s Got a Gun - The only song on the collection performed by a woman. There are female contributions to other songs, but this is the only one with a female headliner, Julie Brown. A stereotypical val gal is celebrating the coronation of her best friend Debbie as Homecoming Queen when something goes horribly wrong. The dance turns into a blood bath, punctuated by the narrator’s observations. “Boom! Now the math teacher’s dead! Oh, it’s really sad, but kind of a relief; we had a big test coming up next week!”

6. The Ballad of Irving - This one’s a parody of The Ballad of Big John, featuring a noodle-noggined, butterfingered Jewish cowboy named Irving, “the 142nd-fastest gun in the West.” It is a song, but it is spoken rather than sung by the deep-voiced narrator, who does have backup singers crooning on the chorus. Filled with little jokes at the unfortunate Irving’s expense, many of them focus on his Jewish heritage. “He always honored his mother’s wishes. Even on the range he used two sets of dishes.”

7. The Battle of Kookamonga - Probably my dad’s favorite song on the collection, this is also a parody, of the war song The Battle of New Orleans. Like Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah, it takes place at a summer camp, and the boys, aided by their scoutmasters, plan an ambush on some skinny-dipping girl scouts. “We’re the boys from Camp Kookamonga. Our mothers sent us here for to study nature’s ways. We learned to make sparks by rubbin’ sticks together, but if we catch the girls then we’ll set the woods ablaze.” Their mission is thwarted by the speed of the girls and another ambusher they had not counted on…

8. King Tut - Kind of a fun song, mainly because it’s Steve Martin. He’s not really singing here, just sort of droning, but his ruminations on the Egyptian boy king who was “born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia” are amusing.

9. Der Fuehrer’s Face - This is the Spike Jones song I do like. It was the soundtrack of an early 㣌s Donald Duck anti-Hitler propaganda cartoon. It also showed up once on my favorite sit-com, M*A*S*H, resulting in Radar getting a faceful of Hawkeye’s saliva. How often do you get a chance to blow raspberries at Hitler? “When Der Fuehrer says he is the master race, then we Heil ppphhhhttttt! Heil ppppphhhhtttt! right in Der Fuehrer’s Face.”

10. Fish Heads - This innocuous little tune is probably my brother’s favorite track. “In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads. In the evening, floating in my soup.” Accompanied by what sounds like a triangle, the oddball narrators detail all of the things that fish heads cannot do, and some things they can. “I took a fish head out to see a movie. Didn’t have to pay to get it in.”

11. Poisoning Pigeons in the Park - Tom Lehrer’s other song. Sick, sick, sick, but boy is it fun. “Oh, the world seems in tune on a spring afternoon when I’m poisoning pigeons in the park.” The overzealous narrator details his various ingenious methods for poisoning pigeons. It’s obvious he enjoys his hobby immensely and thinks little of those who cry fowl play. “It’s not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.”

12. Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout Would Not Take the Garbage Out - I adore Shel Silverstein. I think he was a genius. Definitely one of the kings of light verse. This classic Silverstein poem is read by the author, who sounds very deranged indeed as he rattles off the list of disgusting food piling up due to Sarah’s negligence.

13. The Cockroach That Are Cincinnati - This campy-sounding song is narrated by a horror-loving guy (“if there’s blood and there’s gore then I want to see more of it”) who admits the film that scared him the most was The Cockroach That Are Cincinnati. A fun song.

14. Surfin’ Bird - Very bouncy but gets kinda old pretty darn fast. Basically just gibberish.

15. Pencil Neck Geek - In this song, the narrator slams all the poor pencil-neck geeks in the world, identifying them as the worst group of people alive. These poor nerds come across as some sort of parasite whose only purpose is to be abused by the cool folks. “Can’t find a toothpick? Use a geek. He’ll do.”

16. Ti Kwan Leep / Boot to the Head - Most of this is taken up by a skit involving an unruly martial arts student being taught a lesson by his patient but willing-to-inflict-pain instructor. His disciplinary secret leads to a catastrophic revolt among his students. The song then begins, listing all the situations in which it is appropriate to use this disciplinary measure, the “boot to the head.” “People talking in movie shows, people smoking in bed, people voting Republican, give them a boot to the head.”

17. Existential Blues - Whoa. This one’s way out there. A rambling epic of a song, it makes very little sense at all. Stream of consciousness I guess, and eventually having a lot to do with The Wizard of Oz. A little too bizarre for my tastes.

18. They’re Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa! - An appropriate ending to the collection. This condition could very well apply to most of the authors of these songs, and perhaps to those who have listened to too many of them! This song, yet another which is not sung but spoken (in crisp, march-like tones), is accompanied only by a tambourine. In it, a perfectly sane and rational-sounding man begins by telling his wife/girlfriend how he is going insane because she left. As the verse and chorus progress, special effects cause him to actually sound as though he has gone completely loopy. He then begins the next verse sane again, progressing once more to madness. “They’re coming to take me away, ha-haa! To the happy home, where life is wonderful all the time and I’ll be glad to see those nice young men in their clean white coats.” (One song that is not intended to be a novelty record but reminds me very much of this song is Lou Christie’s Lightning Strikes, in which he follows the same format of sounding completely normal and rational at the beginning of each verse but spiraling into high-pitched screeching by the end of each chorus.)

Well, that concludes the collection, and what a collection it is. Check it out when you need a bit of levity. Dr. Demento is guaranteed to deliver!