Do You Want Mr. Bill Hanging Around Your House At Christmas? Ohhhhhh Noooooo!

Several years ago, my brother Nathan became obsessed with Mr. Bill, the cringe-inducing claymated Saturday Night Live character with a high voice and a tendency to undergo oodles of mishaps thanks to his “friend” Mr. Hands and the villainous Sluggo. He and his yellow dog Spot somehow manage to start off each new episode in one piece, but they’re never in good shape by the end.

Mr. Bill Reads a Christmas Postcard is a 2004 ornament produced by Carlton Cards. Of course, it found its way into Nathan’s stocking, and it’s hung on our tree every year since. The ornament features a hard plastic chair, green on top and red on the bottom, upon which Mr. Bill and Spot rest. From the bottom of the chair to the top of Mr. Bill’s head, it’s about five inches. The bottom of the chair is about two by two and a half inches. This makes for a rather large ornament that requires a strong branch to support it, unless you just want to stand him up on a shelf or table, which isn’t a bad idea since otherwise the postcard Mr. Bill holds is likely to become lost, as ours has.

The chair is made of hard plastic, and Spot of less-hard plastic that is slightly pliable. For some reason, not only are his feet molded to the chair, his tail is as well. He’s a golden color, and he stands with his mouth open and red tongue hanging out. He has no distinguishable nose, but his eyes are large black circles covered with glitter. Bill, next to him, is of much softer material meant to approximate the feel of clay. He is entirely squeezable, so you can manipulate him into a number of odd positions if you are so inclined.

Spot, who is standing, is about an inch and a half tall and two inches long, while Bill, who is seated, stands about three and a half inches tall and is a couple of inches long where his legs stick out. He has bright yellow shoes, belt, buttons and hair; white hands and face; blue pants; the same sparkly eyes as Spot; and a red shirt, nose and mouth frozen open in a wide “O” - the better for screaming “Ohhhhhh noooooo!” with.

Mr. Bill is an interactive figure that does not require hook-up into a Christmas light. Instead, you just put the three cell batteries in, and all you need to do is push down on the striped green portion of the chair. Do that, and you’ll get to hear Mr. Bill utter one of three possible screechy phrases: “Oh no, he’s gonna be mean to me!”, “Now, you leave me alone! Please don’t do that - ooooohhhhh!” and “No, you be careful there! Oh - now wait - ooooooh nooooo!!!!” Illuminating? Hardly. Annoying? You bet.

If you love Mr. Bill as much as Nathan does, then this rather morbid ornament is probably a good choice. But if you haven’t yet had the dubious pleasure of getting acquainted with this Play-doh travesty, you’re probably better off remaining strangers.

"Ohhhhh Noooooo!!!!!"

I confess that I am relieved at the moment that my 12-year-old brother can't be coaxed into reading my on-line reviews. If he never looks, hopefully he'll never know. If someone snitches on me and he finds out, I'll be in a heap of trouble for piling salacious libel on poor Mr. Bill. I mean, he ranks right up there with Red Green! Ahem. So, that aside, I am going to spew my venom on this harmless clay creature with the squeaky voice and hope that Nathan never finds out...

For those of you fortunate enough not to know, Mr. Bill is a Saturday Night Live veteran made of Playdoh. He is characterized by his clownish appearance and high voice. In more recent history, a cousin of his by the name of Mr. Pizza Head clogged the airwaves before Pizza Hut mercifully decided to terminate his tenure as their mascot. Mr. Bill is accompanied in each episode by Spot, a little brown Playdoh dog. Together, they face the onslaught of the falsely friendly Mr. Hands (who is a pair of human hands, and who manipulates Mr. Bill and the other clay folks) and the sinister clay man Mr. Sluggo.

This episode chronicles the best of Mr. Bill's shows. Each show is approximately five minutes long, give or take. In the very first episode, Mr. Hands sounds like he just breathed in a helium tank and Mr. Bill's squeakiness factor is off the charts. Luckily, Mr. Hands has a normal voice next time we hear him, and Bill's voice is at least tolerably high. On this video, we watch Mr. Bill go to the circus, get a new house, go to Saturday Night Live, hitch-hike out of town, go to the beach, hide in the closet, go on trial, and go to the psychiatrist, among other things.

In each episode, Mr. Hands pretends that he is trying to be nice to Mr. Bill, and he always winds up chopping off or squishing some part of the clay clown or inflicting bodily damage on Spot or Mr. Bill's girlfriend, Miss Sally. At some point, Mr. Hands always introduces Mr. Sluggo, who he claims is there to help Mr. Bill. Sluggo never talks, he just plays the role of the villain. Every time he comes out, Mr. Bill moans, "He's gonna be mean to me!" Whenever something bad happens to him or his dog, he can be heard to wail "Ohhhhhh nooooooo!" And whenever Mr. Hands makes a suggestion or improvement and asks for Bill's opinion, Bill insists "I don't like it!" You've seen one episode, you've seen 'em all.

One episode is about all I care to take of this high-pitched victim, but this video's got plenty of episodes to drive folks like me crazy. You do get a reprieve, at least, with the intermission, which is a public service announcement advertising boulevards on which books are printed in Burma Shave style.

There are people who find Mr. Bill hilarious. My brother is one of them. If you think your son or daughter may be as well, DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO STOP THEM FROM DISCOVERING THIS!! All right, seriously, it's not THAT awful, but if you thought the Chipmunks were annoying...well, let's just say that Mr. Bill is not someone you want to invite into your house willingly!