"THERE GOES...RHYMIN' SIMON...'CAUSE HE'S THE BEST...TOTALLY"

I very rarely watch Saturday Night Live, so I was tickled when I happened to turn it on last week and discovered that it was the Paul Simon / Election 2000 episode. I'd made a special point of watching it the first time around, and I made a special point of watching it again, this time armed with a video tape. I think if my parents hear "THERE GOES...RHYMIN' SIMON...'CAUSE HE'S THE BEST...TOTALLY" one more time, they're going to scream...

Anyway, all four of the songs which were played during this SNL sketch are included on this album, which is a 15-year retrospective of Paul Simon's solo work. "I liked it. I really liked it. The problem that I have with it is...I really didn't like it." NO. Scratch that. SNL mode again. I really did like this album; my only complaint is that American Tune, my favorite song from Paul Simon's solo career, is not included. But then, as jedikermit pointed out, this is an album in which Garfunkel's presence is audibly absent. Since Garfunkel was the one who introduced Simon to the Bach melody he would use for the tune of his song, back before they broke up, I guess you could call that a semi-Simon and Garfunkel song.

This album has 16 tracks:

Mother and Child Reunion: This lively tune which has a great beat behind it tells a tale of a woman wishing to be reunited with her mother despite the distance between them. Neat song, and I love the way he came up with the title. He spied it on a menu at a Chinese restaurant (some sort of dish involving chicken and eggs) and decided he was going to have to use that for a song title someday.

Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard: Another very peppy song, with another great beat, this time talking about a couple of guys sneaking behind the school to get high and getting into trouble. There's a picture in my brother's Sesame Street Unpaved book of Simon singing this song with one of the youngsters...I wonder if he altered the words slightly?

Something So Right

St. Judy's Comet: A lullaby written for his son. I actually heard this one first on a Kenny Loggins children's album. At any rate, it's a nice song in which he tries to convince his son to fall asleep (because if he can't even sing his own son to sleep "it would make your famous father look so dumb").

Loves Me Like a Rock: Back to the energetic, percussion-heavy style of the first two tracks. This one is a nice tribute to moms. "My mama, she loves me / she loves me / she gets down on her knees and hugs me / and she loves me like a rock / she loves me like the Rock of Ages". Quite a few religious references in this song as well.

Kodachrome: Yippee! My favorite on the album, second-favorite solo song. It's got a hard edge to it, great guitar work, and it's just plain nifty. I'm surprised I like it so much, since it's even got a vulgarity in it. (About as mild a vulgarity as you can get, though I once read an interview in which Paul Simon claimed this song was groundbreaking because it was the first song containing a vulgarity to run uncensored on the airwaves.) I've tried, though, and I can't come up with anything comparable that would work as a replacement. It's pretty hard to be offended by its use, unless you happen to have been a teacher at Forest Hills High School in the fifties...

Anyway, this is a song about nostalgia, and nothing fuels nostalgia better than a photograph. Kodachrome happens to be a very special kind of Kodak film which causes the colors in the picture to come out looking brighter than life. It's a very cheery format. Around the time Simon wrote the song, Kodak was talking about shelving this type of film. Perhaps in part due to Simon's plea, they didn't. But now, 28 years later, they finally decided to do away with it. (((sigh))) Oh, well. I guess Kodachrome itself will be a part of that nostalgia now.

"Kodachrome / give us such nice bright colors / give us the greens of summer / make me think all the world is a sunny day, oh yeah / I got a Nikon camera / I love to take a photograph / so mama don't take my Kodachrome away."

Have a Good Time

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover: Fun and unique, and, incidentally, the first of the four songs butchered by those guys on SNL. The message is don't sit around stuck in a relationship that you don't want to be in. There are lots of ways to get out of it, so pick one and get going!

"Just slip out the back, Jack / Make a new plan, Stan / Don't try to be coy, Roy / Just listen to me / Hop on the bus, Gus / Don't need to discuss much / Just drop off the key, Lee / And get yourself free."

Still Crazy After All These Years: Probably the most cliched song title of Simon's solo career. By which I mean, turned into a cliche; Simon once said he couldn't believe that it hadn't been a phrase before he made it one. This is a slower, retrospective song which is a nice break from the frantic energy of so many others.

Late in the Evening: And we really needed the break because this one is probably the most energetic song on the album. Sort of a Turn the Page type of "my life as a singer" song. Not really one of my favorites, but it certainly does stand out.

Slip Slidin' Away: Very mellow, about how our goals and dreams seem to slip from our grasp just as we've almost achieved them. (And if Paul Simon ever had a music video in mind for this song, I'm sure it did not involve a couple guys slipping and falling flat on their backs -- sorry, last SNL reference. I promise. I'll be good.) "Slip slidin' away / Slip slidin' away / You know the nearer your destination, the more you're slip slidin' away."

Hearts and Bones: Title track from his early 80s album which focused largely on his rocky and brief marriage to Carrie Fisher. Almost a Simon and Garfunkel album, but Simon changed his mind and erased Garfunkel's vocals from the tracks in mid-production...ouch!

Train in the Distance

Rene and Georgette Magritte with their Dog After the War: To my knowledge, the longest Paul Simon song title. A nice soft song which paints a verbal picture.

Diamonds on the Soles of her Shoes: At five and three-fourths minutes, this collaboration with Ladysmith Black Mambazo is the longest track on the album, one of the longest Simon's ever recorded. I'll always remember the first time I heard this song, in my senior English class in high school when my classmate, Ian, played it as part of his presentation on the music of South Africa. A song about class difference, this tune, enhanced by the African singers, is reminiscent of The Boxer in the way that it repeats a musical phrase over and over.

You Can Call Me Al: One of Paul Simon's most famous solo songs, made so in part by his collaboration with Chevy Chase for a humorous music video. (Ooops, was that on SNL? Well, if it was, it's not where I saw it, so I'm pleading the fifth.) "If you'll be my bodyguard / I can be your long-lost pal / You can call me Betty / Betty, when you call me / You can call me Al."

Well, I guess that about does it. I've been meaning to review a Paul Simon album for quite some time, as I have the unfortunate habit of skimping on Simon and gushing over Garfunkel. Oh, well, we all have our favorites. Paul Simon is a genius, though, then and now. His ability to manipulate words into lyrics makes a wannabe poet like me cringe with feelings of unworthiness. This album is a great introduction to Simon's solo work, which spans across decades and dozens of songs. What can I say? His induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was well deserved.

Can't Beat the Classics

A nice round of applause to whoever invented syndication. I very rarely watch any show the first time around, and much of the reason for that is that most of the shows I like have been off the air for years...the new episodes, anyway. But Nick at Nite is a haven for all the classics. I no longer get Nickelodeon, but when we had it we watched it quite a bit. During their summer block party, we would sit around at night and watch six straight episodes of I Dream of Jeannie, Bewitched, or Get Smart. During that Summer of the Block Party, the other two nights were occupied by I Love Lucy and Dragnet, neither of which we particularly cared for.

But the lineup is always changing, and there are always the shows that occupy the evening when the block party is not in session. The Brady Bunch, The Partridge Family, Gilligan's Island, The Monkees, Newhart, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, The Dick Van Dyke Show, Taxi...the list goes on. Just about any corny sitcom from the 50s or 60s you can think of has been on Nick at Nite at some point and, if it's not still on now, probably will be again.

And it's not just the shows that are classic. Even the commercials bring on the nostalgia. And between decades-old commercials, there are unique commentaries about the shows inserted. Dr. Miller, for instance, who points out that we can't see Jeannie's belly button and advises us to look for Darren's shifting hair on Bewitched. And there's the famous Jeannie song...I am sitting on the sofa / there's a tv in the corner / I am watching Major Nelson / he is played by Larry Hagman / and he found this little bottle / and out popped Barbara Eden / but she couldn't show her belly button / all she did was blink / dododoodo dododododo doododododododo dodododododododoo...

Most of the shows on Nick at Nite are not exactly mind-expanding material. They're generally pretty dumb, but they're hilarious. And there's very rarely anything in them that is remotely objectionable. If you're looking for a fun way to pass half an hour, or three hours, when you've got nothing better to do, switch your tv over to Nick at Nite and enjoy the ride!

My Favorite Billy Joel Album for the Longest Time

My favorite Billy Joel song will always be The Longest Time, so this is always the album I turn to first when I'm in the mood to listen to Billy Joel. The album has several great songs on it, though I must admit I tend to skimp on the second side.

The four songs I tend to listen to least are Easy Money, a rockin' song about a man frittering his life away on the slot machines, Christie Lee, which tells the tragic tale of a man whose life was ruined because he fell in love with a woman who only cared about his sax, Leave a Tender Moment Alone, about the awkwardness of trying to figure out what to say when it seems that words would only ruin a perfect moment, and Keeping the Faith, in which the speaker revisits his youth and discovers that the present isn't that much worse than the past, after all.

The title track of the album is the second song on Side I, preceded by Easy Money. This engaging tune is very high on my list of favorite Joel songs. It has a nice beat behind it and terrific words...I know you don't want to hear what I say / I know you're gonna keep turning away / But I've been there and if I can survive / I can keep you alive / I'm not above going through it again... A terrific song about a man trying to prove to a woman who has been burned by her past relationships that he is different.

Next up is my all-time favorite, The Longest Time. There's just something about the barbershop, doo-wop harmony, I guess. I love this song. Incredibly catchy and just as capable as Mary Poppins' Spoonful of Sugar of making me wish I could snap my fingers. It's another one of those "I lost you a long time ago and now I've found you and I'm not letting you go again" songs...Who knows how much further we'll go on / Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone / I'll take my chances / I forgot how nice romance is / I haven't been there for the longest time. The tune is terrific, the lyrics are great, but I think it's really the style and atmosphere that push this one over the top to make it stand out for me above all of the excellent songs Joel has ever recorded.

This Night is a beautiful, sensual love song which has its roots in classical music. Just as Paul Simon borrowed from Bach to create one of his finest songs, American Tune, so Billy Joel dips into his extensive knowledge of classical music to find a chorus perfectly suited to his song from Beethoven. Forbidden romance is the subject at hand, and the speaker's determination to ignore all his rules for the time being and enjoy the night. This night / Is mine / It's only you and I / Tomorrow / Is such a long time away / This night can last forever.

Tell Her About It is a very peppy song, much closer in style to the first song on the track than to the more old-fashioned sounding middle three. It seems to be a father giving his son advice on how to treat his girlfriend. It serves as a nice reminder that we need to be told that we are loved and appreciated. Tell her about it / Tell her everything you feel / Give her every reason / To accept that you're for real / Tell her about it / Tell her all your crazy dreams / Let her know you need her / Let her know how much she means.

Then over to Side II, where Uptown Girl is the first cut. This is a great song, and another very high on my list of favorites. Not as doo-woppy as The Longest Time, but it's got a bit of that feel to it. This is a song about a downtown kid obsessed with a gal from the upper crust of society, sort of the opposite of The Leader of the Pack (shudder, shudder). Actually, both songs were covered by David Seville's gang, though it was the Chipettes who did Leader of the Pack and the Chipmunks who performed Uptown Girl. I much prefer the latter. Anyway, it's a super song, very catchy, and a Billy Joel classic. And when she's walking / She's looking so fine / And when she's talking / She'll say that she's mine / She'll say I'm not so tough / Just because / I'm in love / With an uptown girl.

And then Careless Talk, which shows how gossip can ruin a relationship. Both parties have heard all sorts of colorful rumors going around about what the other is doing, and the speaker is determined not to let the talk faze him. Careless talk / That's what you heard about me / Careless talk / That's what I heard about you / Everybody's telling lies / I don't even know why / Why can't people find / Something better to do...

I'm a fairly big Billy Joel fan, and this album will always stand out for me because it's the first Billy Joel album I remember listening to, and because it contains my favorite song. I highly recommend it.

Book Swap Great Way for Kids to Get Fresh Summer Reading

When I was in elementary school, I was a voracious reader. Every time we got a scholastic book order form, I circled about half the items and shoved it in my mom's face. I spent half an hour in the bookstore at every trip to the mall. When we got separated at Hills or Kmart, my parents always checked the book section first. We had shelves lining the upstairs hallways, the basement, the living room... and still we had too many books to fit and not enough books for my liking. So Mom brainstormed, and she hit upon an idea that was to become a May tradition at Luther Memorial Learning Center: the book swap.

What it involves is this. Prior to the book swap, the teachers pass out slips to the students with spaces to indicate the number of books they are bringing, their name and grade, and a parent signature. The week of the book swap, children drop their books off in the designated boxes outside of their classrooms. Our school has about 180 students, and this past year there were about 700 books donated. With three or four people working to sort out the books and put them out on tables according to their grade level, it usually takes a couple hours to set up the day before the swap. On the actual day, we always have three or four helpers, but two is probably sufficient: one to accept the children's slips, count their books, and put the books in a bag, and one to offer suggestions to students wandering among the tables trying to make a selection.

For each book they donate, a child is allowed to pick one book. It's as simple as that. We learned from experience to let the older kids go first. Though there tend to be fewer middle schoolers than younger kids, these students are generally bookworms and are looking for as much summer reading as they can get their hands on. Unfortunately, the first year we did this the middle schoolers went last, and the youngsters had taken most of the chapter books. There were kindergarteners snubbing Mickey for Johnny Tremain, for crying out loud! I guess it makes them feel grown-up, but I doubt that every kindergartener who picked up a 200-page novel was reading years ahead of their reading level.

There do tend to be more books at the lowest levels than at the higher levels, but that's because all of the older kids have finished reading such books. As long as we allow the older students to go first, they always have plenty to choose from. They are always satisfied, and many return at lunch with dimes clenched in their fists. After all of the swappers come through in the morning, we offer the books for ten cents a piece during the lunch periods (it's always set up in the cafeteria). This way, kids who didn't have a book to exchange can still pick up something to read for a very reasonable price. And swappers who just can't get enough books can add to their collection. There are always students who do this, but the majority of them tend to take fewer books than they brought. Some even have notes from their parents on the slips, requesting that their children not bring home as many books as they are allowed.

The lunch sale usually makes between ten and twenty dollars, which reimburses my mom for the money she spends on a nice brand-new hard-bound book, usually an anthology of some sort, to be awarded to the winner of a raffle in which all swappers are entered. Whatever extra books remain at the end of the day go to the Headstart program housed in the school, the school library, or the Friends of the Library Booksale which occurs in June.

Before my mom instated this program, I had never heard of a book swap. Now I think no school should be without it. It's a fun way to clear off those shelves and gather a new load of summer reading. Libraries are great, but sometimes, especially for kids, it's nice to just have the knowledge that you can keep the book you're holding in your hand forever if you want to, and you never have to worry about getting any fines for forgetting to take it back in time. So if you've never heard of a book swap either, talk to someone in your child's school about putting one together. It's fun, it's easy, and it'll be a tradition your school will want to keep for years to come.

"A Pleasure to Meet You, Woog. Have You Been a Dinosaur Long?"

We're Back! is a movie with a neat premise, but it is executed in a less than brilliant manner. The story begins when a young bird falls from his nest while trying to run away and is caught by Rex, a t-rex who happens to be playing golf under his tree. Rex informs the fiesty bird that he once met a youngster in just the same situation, and he proceeds to tell him his tale.

Rex was born during the age of the dinosaurs but was captured, along with representatives of other dino species, to help fulfill the wishes of little children in present-day America. In order to ensure that the children's encounter with the dinos is entirely safe, the professor who brought them aboard feeds them Brain Grain, which allows their barbaric tendencies to slip away, leaving room for their personalities to emerge.

The kindly Professor NewEyes explains to the dinosoars, Rex, Elsa, Woog, and Dweeb, that they are the loudest station on his wish radio; more than anything in the world, children want to see dinosaurs. So he sets them loose on the world, leaving them alone in New York to find the near-sighted curator of the Museum of Natural History who will put them on display for the children. In the mean time, they are sidetracked when they meet a young boy named Louie who is running away to the circus. It's not such a great first impression -- they make Louie fall off the pier into the bay -- but Louie takes a liking to them and promises to help them find the museum of natural history.

It's not easy to hide four dinosaurs in the big city, and they are in constant danger of being discovered. While Louie is hatching a plan to get them to the museum safely, he meets a girl named Cecilia who is tired of spending all her time alone, with her busy parents spending all of their time with their careers and none of it on her. She joins Louie in his quest to join the circus and to help the dinos get to their destination. The plan they hatch is far-fetched and pretty unrealistic, but we're talking about a movie in which dinosaurs are snatched up from eons ago, domesticated, and plopped in downtown New York. Nothing is too outrageous for this film.

When the great plan goes awry, the dinos find themselves locked in a high-speed car chase. With most of the NYPD on their tails, they somehow escape. But where are their friends? The two unsuspecting children have wandered off to the circus, but they've chosen the wrong circus to wander off to. Professor ScrewEyes is NewEyes' brother and is diametrically opposed to him. This guy is evil and demented, and his circus thrives off the hints from his fear radio, which picks up people's fears. And where NewEyes have Brain Grain, ScrewEyes has Brain Drain, which reverses the process. When Louie and Cecilia foolishly sign on with him, they are bound to him by blood and the only way they can get out of their contract is if the dinosaurs agree to sacrifice their intelligence.

We're Back! is kind of a cute movie. It features the voice talents of John Goodman, Walter Cronkite, Julia Child, Martin Short, Rhea Pearlman and Jay Leno. It's a Steven Speilberg production. But I can't say it's one of the best animated movies I've ever seen. The dialogue is very corny at times, to the point where I cringed watching it at times. Who writes this stuff? Not all of the dialogue is bad, but there are a lot of pretty lousy moments.

Then there's this whole romance between Cecilia and Louie. It's not like a little bit of romance between kids is unheard of in the movies. I'm not even saying it's necessarily a bad thing. But Cecilia is way too obsessed with Louie. Her constant flirtation is a little much, I think. Then there's the pteradactyl, Elsa, who's always laying eggs...

And SrewEyes is definitely scary. He's not a pleasant person, nor are the people he surround himself with. Except for Stubbs the Clown, who also ran away to the wrong circus. The final scene with him in it is not very pretty, and I can certainly see how it might scare children. And I'm not too big on Cecilia praying and having her prayer answered by NewEyes, acting like she had been trying to reach him.

All in all, I would say We're Back! is a mediocre movie. I don't give it the high recommendation I give most Disney and Bluth films, or certain other animated features. I've seen a lot better.

Town Mouse, Country Mouse, Aussie Style

This is one of those classic movies that stations like WGN and TBS feel compelled to play over and over. Who can resist the endearing smile and inherent charm of Paul Hogan as Mick Dundee, the king of the Australian outback? Certainly not Sue (Linda Kozlowski), a reporter who flies to Australia to investigate this man who she has heard is like a Tarzan of the Bush. It turns out that Dundee has a few tricks up his sleeve, and he's not quite as primitive as Sue thinks he is. Still, he certainly knows his way around the bush, and when Sue foolishly decides to have a go at trekking the outback alone, Mick swoops in to save her from death by croc.

Mick is a fascinating character from the start, and Sue is sufficiently intrigued to bring him home to New York with her and see how he copes with the big city. He is as out of place in the bustling Big Apple and Sue was in Australia, but no one seems to mind. The naive visitor is an instant hit with everyone, and it's no wonder why. As he walks down the streets of New York, he stops to wish good day to everyone he sees. He's surrounded by strangers, and he seems to want to introduce himself to each and every one.

Most of the movie's funniest moments originate from the clash of the two cultures. Mick is befuddled by the bidet in his bathroom, convinced that his African-American chaffeur is an aborigine, and offended when a pimp uses "bad language in front of the ladies" he is talking with, who happen to be prostitutes. All decked out in crocodile leather and carrying a knife that's practically a machete, Mick is rather conspicuous. But his homegrown knowledge serves him well even in urban America, and this strine-speaking stranger wins the hearts of hundreds of New Yorkers, including Sue, whose obnoxious boyfriend is just itching to marry her.

Every scene with Mick is full of surprises. Bringing attack dogs into submission with just a stern glance. Making "herbal tea" out of cocaine to help a coke-sniffer "clear up his sinuses". Responding to a mugger with a knife by pulling his own much larger knife out and slicing through his jacket. Climbing up a lamp post to get out of the steady stream of pedestrian traffic. You never know what to expect next with this guy, and he makes this movie a delight from beginning to end. Check out this movie and meet the original crocodile hunter.

It's Pauly Shore...Need I Say More?

Okay, so I'm not exactly the world's biggest Pauly Shore fan. He ranks only a notch or two below Gilbert Gottfried on the Incredibly Annoying scale, and in certain films, he surpasses that mark. Son-in-Law, however, is tolerable. Shore is still obnoxious, in a sort of lovable way. Though I think I would probably have reacted similarly to the main character's parents when they first meet his unconventional character, Crawl...

Rebecca is a country girl, sweet, naive, and valedictorian of her class. College is a major adjustment, and she's not handling it very well. After a few too many bad experiences, she's ready to throw in the towel and go home. But Crawl, her zany RA, isn't about to let her leave without a fight. This extremely unusual character, who was the first person Rebecca met at college, turns out to be a pretty decent guy, and after a night on the town with him Becca decides to stick college out, at least until Thanksgiving.

When that time comes, Becca is dismayed to discover that Crawl has no place to go for Thanksgiving vacation. She graciously offers to let him stay with her. Her family is surprised enough to see their daughter with a new nickname and a new look when they greet her back home, but they are nothing short of shocked to discover that she has brought Crawl home with her. Her boyfriend's not too thrilled either, and in an attempt to ensure his claim to her, he proposes shortly after her arrival. Becca is not ready to make that kind of step, so she begs Crawl to cover for her. Unfortunately, his idea of a cover-up is blurting out that Becca is already planning to marry him...

Hilarity ensues as Crawl tries to fit in with Rebecca's countrified family and gain their acceptance, all the while trying to work out how he will tell them that he isn't really engaged to their daughter. Becca's former boyfriend, meanwhile, plots revenge on this college guy who is so hopelessly out of place in the country. Poor little Crawl stuck in the middle of all this. What's a city boy to do?

There was one point in time when this was my brother's favorite movie, so I watched in several times. It's certainly good for a few laughs, and though it is not without its groans, I would say that this is probably the best role I've seen Pauly Shore in. And hey, it's all worth it to see him barreling through the fields in a tractor, blasting Thank God I'm a Country Boy!

For Anyone Who Has Ever Loved a Cat (Especially If You Loved a Dog First)

I was first introduced to Willie Morris through the movie version of his autobiographical book, My Dog Skip. The film chronicles the coming of age of young Willie as he and his first dog, the precocious Skip, explore their world together. In the first pages of My Cat Spit McGee, Morris recounts his affection for "Old Skip", as he liked to refer to him later, and Pete, the dog he had in his adulthood. As someone so faithfully dedicated to dogs, Morris was convinced it was his duty to despise cats, and he continued to believe that until he met "The Cat Woman", who would eventually become his wife.

As it turned out, she was a cat person. When her son decided to surprise her with a kitten on Christmas morning, Morris knew there was no turning back. He going to have to learn to at least tolerate these creatures. To help ease him into that toleration, he was given the honor of naming the kitten, and he bestowed upon her the name of his childhood sweetheart, Rivers Applewhite. The diminutive feline started to grow on him, and by the time she became pregnant with kittens he was frantic about her well-being.

I was struck by how many of Morris' cat experiences were similar to my own. Rivers was found abandoned by the side of the road as a kitten, and her puberty crept up on them without notice, so that they did not have her "fixed" in time to prevent a pregnancy. Just as my own cat, Cookies, delivered kittens after such a situation, and gave birth to Gandalf, the most companionable cat with whom I have ever resided, Rivers delivered Spit McGee, a cat who was to complete Morris' transformation into a full-fledged ailurophile (cat-lover).

Every once in a while an animal like that comes along who completely surprises you with its intuition and ingenuity. Spit was, or perhaps is, such a creature. Morris notes in the book that Skip was the companion of his boyhood, Pete of his adulthood, and Spit of his maturity. Their deep bond may have had something to do with the fact that Morris saved Spit's life on several occasions, including the moment of his birth. This 101 Dalmations-esque experience is recounted in great detail.

After Spit grows up a bit, other cats come into the family when they find a stray kitten under their house. This gentle calico eventually has kittens as well, and Morris delves briefly into each of their unique personalities. Meanwhile, he noted that all of this got to be too much for Rivers, who was most put out at all of the felines who were invading her territory. Like my first cat Cuddles, she liked being an Only Cat, and when the cat population kept growing, she took off to seek residence elsewhere. I was quite gratified to learn that my cat is not the only one who has ever done that.

Surely any cat owners (or, perhaps more accurately, cat-owned) out there will be able to find something in Morris' descriptions of his cats and their experiences that strikes them as similar to their own feline encounters. I recommend this charming story of an unconventional friendship to anyone who has ever loved a cat, and even to those who have not. Morris was most vehement in his hatred of cats in the beginning; perhaps his transformation will serve as an inspiration to those who think they could never learn to love a cat. At any rate, this book comes highly recommended. I give it four paws up!

Are You Rolling Over Yet, Hans Christian Andersen?

I'm a big fan of Hans Christian Andersen, the cobbler who contributed some of the finest fairy tales to the body of children's literature. His stories have been translated into film on numerous occasions. The film I am about to review is, I fervently hope, the worst of them. We picked The Swans up for a buck at the store a few years back, and now we know why it was so cheap!

The first thing that struck me about this video was its poor quality. The animation looked like something out of the thirties, even though it was made in 1985. And no amount of tracking could reduce the wavering that consistently plagued the movie. As for the sound...well, if the animation seemed bad, it was nothing compared to the sound. The audio track wiggled and wavered, moving in and out of states of extreme distortion. Thus, I can attest that the initial words found on the description on the back of the video -- wondrous songs and beautiful animation -- couldn't be further from the truth.

Now, perhaps the songs would be tolerable if the sound wasn't so unreliable, but they would still be a far cry from great. The first song is an inane tune the children sing about how happy their lives are as they run around with animal masks on and await their father's arrival from a long trip. Lisa, the only girl of the bunch, then sings a lullaby to her 12 brothers. Then there's the recurring theme: They're the swans, they don't know where they belong, they fly in circles and they cry... And the love theme: Sometime, somehow, somewhere we'll be free. None come anywhere near the quality of a Disney or Don Bluth song.

The story begins when the king returns home to his children, having taken an evil queen for his bride. The queen, jealous of the attention showered upon the youths, casts a spell on the boys which makes them swans by day. Lisa, who is clearly her father's favorite child, receives a different spell which transforms her into a common girl who is apparently as ugly as Lisa was beautiful; she looks about the same to me, except her hair is scraggly and she has dirt on her face.

At any rate, the king no longer recognizes her, and she is banished from the kingdom. After taking up lodgings with an old woman on the edge of town, Lisa sees her befowled brothers flying overhead and recognizes them instantly. Joyous, she flags them down for a reunion, but the swans do not repay her the courtesy of recognition. (This is the best part of the movie, the line my brother and I always wait for when some young whippersnapper with no taste who we are watching for the afternoon decides to waste seventy minutes on this movie. Usually this is all the time we care to commit to The Swans.) When Lisa tells her brothers that she is their long-lost sister, one swan retorts, "You can't be our sister! Our sister was very beautiful, and you're really ugly!" Wow.

At this point, Lisa, apparently despondent over such callous treatment, dives into a pool far below the ledge where she is standing. What the slightly remorseful swans do not realize is that Lisa took the plunge because this was a magical pool that would restore her previous appearance. Of course, once Lisa regains her beauty her brothers are thrilled and everything is all hunky-dory. At least for a while. But there is still the troubling matter that Lisa's brothers are all birds.

And their transformation will not be achieved so easily as hers. Lisa learns from a raven, or perhaps it's a crow, that in order to break her stepmother's curse she must undergo an arduous ordeal on their behalf. In addition to the difficult tasks she must perform, she has to promise not to speak a word. Unlike Ariel, who had her speech stripped from her, Lisa must discipline herself because she could speak at any time, but it would cost her brothers their shot at a normal life.

Meanwhile, she meets a prince who falls head over heels in love with her, and she is unable to verbally tell him that she loves him too. Not only that, her mysterious activities have caught the attention of some of the noblemen of the kingdom in which she has arrived, and she runs the risk of being tried as a witch, without the possibility of defending herself. In the end, of course, love must triumph, but the only emotion I've ever felt at the end of this film was relief that it was over.

Obviously this was not meant to be an award-winning production. It was never in the theaters (thank goodness) and I've never seen it in another store since then. If you should come across it though, even if you find it for a dollar like we did, spare yourself. Don't buy it. You may have neighbors and nieces who will discover it and decide they want to watch it, and once is more than enough times to view this low-budget massacre of a Hans Christian Andersen masterpiece.

An Impressive Transition from Tom and Jerry to Simon and Garfunkel

In 1965, Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel released the first of a line of albums which would contain some of the greatest music ever produced in the sixties. Having had modest success with Hey, Schoolgirl, a teeny bopper tune which sold 150,000 copies when the two were fifteen, they dropped their teenage moniker of Tom and Jerry and opted to release their new album under their own ethnic names. Simon, as is apparent in the album’s liner notes, had been spending a good deal of time in England, where he was swept up in the folk scene. He wrote most of his early gems there, and he also discovered some folk tunes which were perfectly suited to the delicate harmonies he had worked out with his childhood friend, Art Garfunkel.

Although Wednesday Morning, 3 AM did not initially receive the attention it deserved, it can be viewed in retrospect as the impressive debut album of a duo whose songs would have a place on the soundtrack of millions of lives. This album features five songs by Simon, making up less than half the album but serving as the backbone of this record billed as “exciting new sounds in the folk tradition”.

Of the remaining seven, four seem to belong on this album. The other three, which are, oddly enough, the bounciest of the twelve songs, seem out of place on the album, and it may well be that these songs were only included for their popular appeal at the request of producer Tom Wilson. In an interview recorded for one of the interactive kiosks at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame museum in Cleveland, Art Garfunkel recalled he and Paul protesting about having to sing “this cheesy stuff”. I’m not sure which songs these were, but if I had to take a guess, I would venture to say that it was not the duo’s decision to include You Can Tell the World, Go Tell it on the Mountain, and The Times They Are A-Changin’ on their album. Incidentally, these three, along with Last Night I Had the Strangest Dream, were not included in the Old Friends boxed set.

Speaking of that compilation, should you ever get your hands on it, be sure to listen to Poem on an Underground Railroad; as an introduction to the song, Art Garfunkel humorously recounts the circumstances surrounding the selection of the cover photo for Wednesday Morning, 3 AM.

On to the songs. I must confess I find it a bit baffling that the album begins not with a Simon song, nor even with one of the folk songs which he discovered and he and Garfunkel meticulously arranged. No, the album begins with You Can Tell the World, an upbeat Gospel-style song which I myself first encountered in a church puppet program. It’s not that it’s a bad song; none of my picks for the “weakest links” on this album are. It just seems ill-suited to Simon and Garfunkel’s style, and as they sing the song, their energy sounds less like enthusiasm than “let’s hurry up and get this over with”.

I am much more satisfied with the idealistic Last Night I Had the Strangest Dream and wish it had not been omitted from the aforementioned boxed set. The tune is pleasing, the words are simple, and the sentiment is refreshing. In a decade torn apart by the Vietnam War, this song must have been especially effective; it is the most optimistic of several protest songs on this album.

Bleecker Street is something of an enigma, a work of poetic intensity which highlights Paul’s song-writing talents perhaps more effectively than any of the other songs included here. Its rival would be The Sounds of Silence (which dropped the “s” somewhere along the line), but a poetry class could easily spend a class period picking apart Bleecker Street for its meaning and poetic devices. Garfunkel admits in the liner notes that even he found it a bit baffling initially.

Sparrow is a simplistic song about how the “little guy” is always trampled upon by the harsher forces of the world. Set up with the same structure as the child’s tale The Little Red Hen, Sparrow fails to end happily for the protagonist who, unable to enlist the aid of others, cannot survive the cruelties of life alone. After a lifetime of “not I”s, her only comfort is that the Earth lies ready to receive her as a final resting place.

Benedictus is certainly not what I would call a mainstream song; it’s an ancient Latin chant. Deeply religious, this blessing sung by monks centuries ago was a discovery of Garfunkel’s. In all its rich fullness, it serves as a calming wave to carry the listeners over from the despair of Sparrow to the alienation of The Sounds of Silence.

And what more is there to say about The Sounds of Silence? Described by Garfunkel as “a major work”, it is the prophetic outcry of one who has seen that the world’s inhabitants are losing their ability to communicate with one another. This failure to communicate would be an ongoing theme in Simon’s music, but rarely has he been able to express that concern so effectively as he did in this, one of his earliest songs. Though nearly forty years have passed since it was first penned, the its words ring as true today as they ever did, and we are compelled to look beyond the neon lights into the innermost reaches of one another’s souls.

Side II commences with He Was My Brother, the tragic but ultimately jubilant song of a young civil rights activist who dies while pursuing the cause of freedom for all of his “brothers”. The tune of He Was My Brother strikes me as similar to that of Sparrow; I believe it was my younger brother who actually first pointed out the similarity, and I had to concur with his analysis. But the tone, while initially depressing, grows triumphant as this victim of the world’s cruelty transcends his death by allowing others to live in freedom.

Peggy-O is an old English folk song, and though I much prefer Scarborough Fair, the tune is quite lovely. The lyrics are a bit odd, but my mom assesses that this is an anti-war song, showing that war is so horrid it will allow a man who has found his true love to turn around and destroy her city. Not nice stuff.

Go Tell it on the Mountian is in the same “peppy gospel song” category of out-of-place songs into which You Can Tell the World fits. Oddly enough, though Go Tell it On the Mountain has at least one other set of lyrics which were commonly used in the civil rights movement, the Christmas lyrics are used here. Once again, Simon and Garfunkel sing it with almost frantic energy, seeming to me like they’re rushing through it and just not treating the song with the care given to most of the selections on the album.

The Sun is Burning is my favorite of the anti-war songs; in fact, it may rank second for me on this album, despite the fact that it was not written by Paul Simon. It certainly gives him the opportunity to shine as a guitarist; the intricate finger-picking on this deceptively delicate song may even outshine the guitar work on The Sounds of Silence. Written by Ian Campbell, it chronicles the progress of the sun on a typical day, until we realize that this is no typical day and an atomic bomb is about to wreak havoc upon the face of the Earth. Growing darker and more gruesome with each verse, it provides a chilling vision of what the world might be like following that deadly detonation.

I honestly don’t know what is going on with this next selection. Simon and Garfunkel were deeply influenced by Dylan; when Garfunkel first saw these new songs of Simon’s, he described them as “Dylan-esque”. So why do they sound, in this great Dylan anthem, like they are mocking Dylan in all his nasal glory? They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but imitation was anything but in this case. Is that nails-on-a-chalkboard twang really necessary? Both in their careers as a duo and as soloists, Simon and Garfunkel have had a gift for remaking old songs in such a way that they nearly re-invented them, and usually for the better. That is not the case with The Times they Are A-Changin’. They sound like they are trying to become Dylan for the song, but the song would have turned out much better if they had sung it as Simon and Garfunkel. As it is, it’s easily my pick for the gaggiest track, blowing the gospel tunes out of the water.

The album ends with the title cut, a soft and lovely lamentation by a wanted criminal in the arms of his lover for the last time. An altered version of this song was included on a later album under the name Somewhere They Can’t Find Me, but I prefer the quietude and harmony of Wednesday Morning, 3 AM, which is wistful while the other is urgent. This gentle exit is a most pleasant way to end the album, leaving a thirst for more albums to come.

Although this album is crowded with a few songs that seem to have been placed there merely to go with the current trends and fill up space, most of the selections are an excellent example of the tight style which Simon and Garfunkel had already perfected. An extra bonus is the liner notes written by Art Garfunkel in the form of a letter to Paul Simon. Not only does he comment on each of Simon’s songs, we get a glimpse of Paul and Artie as just a couple of typical college-aged buddies. “You know it kills me that you’re in London now, goofing, while I’m here with three term papers ahead of me,” Garfunkel writes towards the beginning. The entire tone is fresh and just beyond the edges of innocent, as the two young men embark on a musical journey to delve more deeply into the most pressing issues of the times, bringing a generation of fans along for the ride.

"They May Take Our Lives, But They Can Never Take Our Freedom!"

Being a life-long lover of Scotland, I have wanted to see Braveheart ever since it came out, but I never went out of my way to do it because I knew it was an extremely graphic film and I figured I'd have a lot of trouble stomaching it. It's the favorite movie of my cousin, who loves Scotland so much that he plays the bagpipes and has even acquired a kilt to match, so I always tell him I need to watch it with him so he can tell me when to close my eyes. It didn't work out that way, but I survived the experience nonetheless.

My brother just purchased this on DVD, and last week I was awakened at about 1:30 in the morning by a lot of racket downstairs and the lilting melody of a stirring soundtrack. "Gee," I thought, "sounds like they're watching Braveheart." My guess was correct, and when I crept down the stairs I announced that I was watching the movie too. I had missed only the first ten minutes, which I happened to have seen at school one time. So I was all set. One-thirty in the morning may seem like an odd time to embark on a three-hour-long movie, but sleep never threatened to consume me. I was wide-awake the entire time.

The movie begins in the hometown of William Wallace, future hero of Scotland. In this brief scene, Murran, a village girl, plants the seeds of romance for the rest of the film when she presents young William with a thistle. Shortly thereafter, the boy is whisked away to join his uncle in Rome, as his father, Malcolm, has just fallen victim to the cruelty of the British king Edward the Longshanks. The orphaned boy will not return until his adulthood, but he will always remember the circumstances of his father's death and the first love of his life.

Twenty years later, Scotland is still in turmoil as it remains under the heavy hand of Longshanks, who is played masterfully by Patrick McGoohan. His dry wit and regal air add to his icy aura, which was suited to a man known as one of the cruelest monarchs to ever sit on the British throne. (A side note: After my dad, a genealogy buff, watched this movie, he recalled that King Edward I was on our family tree. I would much prefer William Wallace for an ancestor!) He has forced his son, who comes off in this film as a spineless ninny cowering in his father's shadow, to marry a French princess (Sophie Marceau), effectively combining the two kingdoms. Meanwhile, in an attempt to entice the British nobles to take root in Scotland, he reinstitutes the old custom of prima nocta, "first night", a law stating that a noble may have full rights to a common girl on the night of her wedding.

William Wallace (Mel Gibson) returns to Scotland, to his hometown, in the midst of a wedding celebration. After being reaccepted into the clan after an amusing "test of manhood" with his former playmate, Wallace immerses himself in the joyous occasion, only to have it cut short by a noble demanding the new bride.

Throughout the festivities, William and Murran (Catherine McCormack) had been eyeing each other, so it's no great surprise when William shows up at her doorstop that evening requesting permission to go riding with her. It's pouring down rain, and her parents object, but Murran is too quick for them and she rides off into the rain with William. Once they are alone, William confesses his undying love for Murran, but he does so in another language so she does not yet understand that the depth of his devotion matches her own. When they part, however, William presents her with a gift: the thistle that he had kept ever since she gave it to him those long years ago.

Their courtship is brief, and the next time they go out, William asks Murran for her hand in marriage. They are married in secret that very night, and here is where the pleasant portion of the story ends.

The very next day, Murran is ambushed by a group of nobles who decide to have their way with her. William comes to her rescue as she is fighting off their brutal attempts, but when she flees to the forest on his horse, the nobles catch up with her and inflict the punishment required for attacking a noble. By the time William arrives, his new bride is dead and with her, his dreams of becoming a farmer and raising children in peace. There can be no turning back now. William Wallace is determined to lead his countrymen to freedom from the tyranny of the British king and his nobles.

And that is exactly what he does for the rest of the film. More and more Scots join his army, and his clever battle strategies and blazing bravery soon make him the most respected man in Scotland -- or in the case of the British and the Scottish nobles, who are content with the status quo, the most despised. Only one Scottish noble believes that William's uprising may be worth it. This man is Robert de Bruce, heir to the throne of Scotland. He has great regard for the commoner whose stirring speeches inspire men to fight and whose courage in the face of danger causes the bravest of opponents to shiver. His father advises him to side with William, but only as long as it looks like he is winning. He must do whatever is necessary to ensure that the throne will be his, even if it means betraying his own people.

In the first major battle of the film, the British troops set out with the intention of intimidating the Scots into submission, adding the incentive of lordship for William Wallace and the other leaders. Wallace, whose stirring call to patriotism just convinced his cowering countrymen not to flee, has no intention of giving in, and he tells the British commander so in no uncertain terms. Then he returns to his post to commence the activities in true Scotsman style. I can just see the headlines: Brave Bill and the Boys Begin Battle with Bemused Brits By Brandishing their Bare Buttocks. Yes, if you've ever "wondered if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt", as the song The Scotsman queries, then wonder no more. Of course, this unconventional show of solidarity isn't much of an effective offensive strategy; these tactics commence shortly thereafter, and though the Scots are greatly outnumbered, they manage to wipe out the entire Northern army.

Now the stakes are really getting high, and even Longshanks begins to lose heart when he gets word that "York has been sacked". He is so furious with his son's allowing this to happen in his absence that he tosses the prince's military advisor out the window, a scene of almost Python-esque absurdity. Did that actually happen? Well, probably not. As far as historical accuracy goes, Braveheart takes a lot of liberties. But it captures the spirit of the Scottish freedom movement beautifully.

The tide turns for Wallace's cause when de Bruce obeys his father's command to betray him. In this battle, Longshanks himself shows up, having failed to convince Wallace with his terms of peace presented by the Princess. In their brief meeting, however, Wallace gained a powerful ally; it was the sympathetic princess who tipped him off that Longshanks planned to attack Edinburgh. Although Wallace survives the battle and his army, aided by the Irish forces, is not vanquished, the cause is weakening. And de Bruce is consumed with guilt over his betrayal. Determined to make things right, de Bruce calls a meeting with Wallace. Wallace comes, but de Bruce is aghast to discover that he has been an unwitting accomplice in the capture of his friend and hero. Now, with Wallace in their possession at last, the British feel sure they can break his spirit, and that of his followers. But they have misjudged badly...

The music of Braveheart, composed by James Horner, is haunting and beautiful. It matches the beauty of that noble land, a beauty echoed in the lyrical tones of the very speech of its people. The acting is superb on all ends, and the mere scope of the film is impressive. To get a taste of what went into putting this film together, watch the DVD, which comes with an enlightening mini-documentary on the making of the film, containing commentary from participants in the movie of all capacities. This was indeed an impressive endeavor, and although the violence caused me to leave the room on several occasions, and although the historical facts have been tweaked a bit to obtain the most Hollywood-compatible story, the film is fantastic nonetheless.

This movie is a tragedy, with thousands of violent deaths enacted upon the screen. It is a gruesome history, full of heartache and defeat. But it is, in the end, a tale of the triumph of the human spirit, the tale of one man who dared to think that freedom was in his grasp and the countrymen who dared to believe him. It is, above all, a testament to the sentiment that "they may take our lives, but they can never take our freedom!"

Perfect for Ladybug Lovers

When the birthday of one of my best friends from college was approaching, I pondered what to give her. We are two of a kind, a couple of college gals not afraid to revert to our childhoods once in a while. In fact, the day I met her we were participating in a reading day for local elementary school students, and we spent the whole ride to and from the school discussing all our favorite children's books. So when I spotted this adorable Anne Geddes ladybug, I knew it would be perfect for my ladybug-loving, childhood-appreciating friend.

I first became familiar with Anne Geddes while babysitting. My charges' mother had an Anne Geddes calendar hanging on her refrigerator, and I always enjoyed seeing what creative costumes she would bedeck the babies with next month. When the dolls came out, they were every bit as cute as the photographs had been. Toy store shelves are now stocked with babies nestled in the fuzzy guises of hedgehogs, daisies, rabbits, butterflies, teddy bears...and ladybugs.

Like the other Geddes dolls, the ladybug has the body of the animal but the hands and face of a baby. The doll is in a sleeping position, with the red dome, complete with black spots, on top. Below, the body is black, including black footies and a black hood with antennae protruding from it. The doll is very soft and huggable, and my friend tells me her infant niece has gotten quite a bit of enjoyment from it as well.

The only downfall I found with the ladybug is that, unlike many of the other varieties, it seemed to only come with one expression. With the hedgehogs, for instance, some were laughing, some pouting, some just slightly smiling. Still, the peacefully dozing expression suits this blissful beetle perfectly, so there really isn't any need for alternate options.

The ladybug I bought was a mini-model, about the size of the typical beanie baby. Other than its size, it appeared to be identical to the larger version, and the smaller size was more fitting to the lilliputian animal it represented. I would say that this high-quality, adorable toy is a steal for a mere $6.50. Great for babies and youthful adults alike. Don't let this one fly away from you!

English Students, This is How NOT to Write!!!

Last week, I had the opportunity to stop by the Great American Book Sale, sponsored by Erie's Friends of the Library. It was the second to last day, so the price was definitely right, though the selection was considerably thinner than it had been at the start of the sale. Still, I managed to pick up a good forty books before I made one last quick scan around the auditorium to see if I had missed any gems. As it turned out, I had.

One of the final books I added to my bag was to prove an acquisition worth far more than the less than ten cents it cost. Indeed, I've been laughing over it all week, and it was a guest of honor at the most recent meeting of the "Not Only Do We Look Good, But We Can Write Too" Club, the distinguished organization of which my friend mentioned in my last review and her brother happen to be members (for a taste of their style, check out bargainluvers). Wow. That was a pretty scary sentence. But not quite scary enough to make it into this book. Only the worst of the worst were hand-picked by English teacher Richard Lederer for inclusion in his side-splitting Anguished English: An Anthology of Accidental Assaults Upon Our Language.

Lederer begins his book close to home by picking some prize-winning snafus which found their way into student papers. The first section of his book, entitled Schoolishness, is comprised of three chapters.

Student Bloopers Win Pullet Surprises:
(taken directly from student papers)

*A virgin forest is a place where the hand of man has never set foot.

*Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up dead.

*Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

In The World According to Student Bloopers, a piecing together of the history of the world from student papers and tests, we learn that Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree, Martin Luther was nailed to a church door for selling papal indulgences, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards, and Lincoln was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.

The students get a break, though, with Excuses, Excuses, the chapter which includes samples of school excuses which are every bit as eyebrow-raising as the students' essay attempts.

*Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

*Dear School: Please exkuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

*Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

And all this is in just the first 30 pages! This 175-page book contains almost 1,000 examples of "anguished English", and it comes from people in all walks of life. Section II, The Blunderful World of Bloopers, breaks them down by profession. Disorder in the Court! exposes the bloopers found in our courtroom proceedings. Accidental Bloopers is compiled from descriptions of car accidents found on insurance forms. Wholly Holy Bloopers proves that even the church is not immune to grammar goof-ups. Welfare Bloopers Fare Well is taken from welfare application forms. Signs of the Times pokes fun at rather ridiculous signs, while It's an Ad, Ad, Ad, Ad World shakes a stick at bad ads. Finally, both Stop the Presses! and Two-Headed Headlines point out instances in which the newspaper provides a hearty dose of blooper-ful entertainment.

Section III, Inspired Gibberish, probably the most amusing of the four sections, contains five chapters: Modern Day Malapropisms, Mixed-Up Metaphors, An Irish Bull is Always Pregnant, Goldwynisms and Berraisms, and Lost in Translation. All five provide rare gems, though the middle three chapters are particularly hilarious...

*That's a horse of a different feather.

*Milwaukee is the golden egg that the rest of the state wants to milk.

*The slowdown is accelerating.

*May you never live to see your wife a widow.

*Half the lies our opponents tell about us are not true.

*All generalizations are bad.

*If Roosevelt were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave.

*I distinctly remember forgetting that.

*A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

*Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

*Sometimes you can observe a lot by watching.

*A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

And here's a lovely little laugh induced by the language barrier. From the late great JFK: "Ich bin ein Berliner!" ("I am a jelly doughnut!")

And finally, the book comes around to the English teachers again with the section Grammar Gaffes. This section includes Mangling Modifiers, References Wanted, Laffing at Mispellings and Howta Reckanize American Slurvian and is chock full of sentences capable of sending shivers down an English teacher's spine.

I hope I've tickled your funny bone enough that you will go seek this book out for yourself. I found it quite by accident, but the hours of hilarity it brought me made it an instant winner for me. If you've ever groaned at the misuse of the English language, get your rolling eyes ready and snatch up this book! It'll leave you laughing and hopefully you'll walk away with a slightly greater appreciation for the intricacies of the English language. Enjoy!