English Students, This is How NOT to Write!!!

Last week, I had the opportunity to stop by the Great American Book Sale, sponsored by Erie's Friends of the Library. It was the second to last day, so the price was definitely right, though the selection was considerably thinner than it had been at the start of the sale. Still, I managed to pick up a good forty books before I made one last quick scan around the auditorium to see if I had missed any gems. As it turned out, I had.

One of the final books I added to my bag was to prove an acquisition worth far more than the less than ten cents it cost. Indeed, I've been laughing over it all week, and it was a guest of honor at the most recent meeting of the "Not Only Do We Look Good, But We Can Write Too" Club, the distinguished organization of which my friend mentioned in my last review and her brother happen to be members (for a taste of their style, check out bargainluvers). Wow. That was a pretty scary sentence. But not quite scary enough to make it into this book. Only the worst of the worst were hand-picked by English teacher Richard Lederer for inclusion in his side-splitting Anguished English: An Anthology of Accidental Assaults Upon Our Language.

Lederer begins his book close to home by picking some prize-winning snafus which found their way into student papers. The first section of his book, entitled Schoolishness, is comprised of three chapters.

Student Bloopers Win Pullet Surprises:
(taken directly from student papers)

*A virgin forest is a place where the hand of man has never set foot.

*Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up dead.

*Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

In The World According to Student Bloopers, a piecing together of the history of the world from student papers and tests, we learn that Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree, Martin Luther was nailed to a church door for selling papal indulgences, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards, and Lincoln was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.

The students get a break, though, with Excuses, Excuses, the chapter which includes samples of school excuses which are every bit as eyebrow-raising as the students' essay attempts.

*Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

*Dear School: Please exkuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

*Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

And all this is in just the first 30 pages! This 175-page book contains almost 1,000 examples of "anguished English", and it comes from people in all walks of life. Section II, The Blunderful World of Bloopers, breaks them down by profession. Disorder in the Court! exposes the bloopers found in our courtroom proceedings. Accidental Bloopers is compiled from descriptions of car accidents found on insurance forms. Wholly Holy Bloopers proves that even the church is not immune to grammar goof-ups. Welfare Bloopers Fare Well is taken from welfare application forms. Signs of the Times pokes fun at rather ridiculous signs, while It's an Ad, Ad, Ad, Ad World shakes a stick at bad ads. Finally, both Stop the Presses! and Two-Headed Headlines point out instances in which the newspaper provides a hearty dose of blooper-ful entertainment.

Section III, Inspired Gibberish, probably the most amusing of the four sections, contains five chapters: Modern Day Malapropisms, Mixed-Up Metaphors, An Irish Bull is Always Pregnant, Goldwynisms and Berraisms, and Lost in Translation. All five provide rare gems, though the middle three chapters are particularly hilarious...

*That's a horse of a different feather.

*Milwaukee is the golden egg that the rest of the state wants to milk.

*The slowdown is accelerating.

*May you never live to see your wife a widow.

*Half the lies our opponents tell about us are not true.

*All generalizations are bad.

*If Roosevelt were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave.

*I distinctly remember forgetting that.

*A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

*Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

*Sometimes you can observe a lot by watching.

*A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

And here's a lovely little laugh induced by the language barrier. From the late great JFK: "Ich bin ein Berliner!" ("I am a jelly doughnut!")

And finally, the book comes around to the English teachers again with the section Grammar Gaffes. This section includes Mangling Modifiers, References Wanted, Laffing at Mispellings and Howta Reckanize American Slurvian and is chock full of sentences capable of sending shivers down an English teacher's spine.

I hope I've tickled your funny bone enough that you will go seek this book out for yourself. I found it quite by accident, but the hours of hilarity it brought me made it an instant winner for me. If you've ever groaned at the misuse of the English language, get your rolling eyes ready and snatch up this book! It'll leave you laughing and hopefully you'll walk away with a slightly greater appreciation for the intricacies of the English language. Enjoy!