My Least Favorite Christmas Songs

I absolutely love most Christmas music. It gets to be this time of year, and this strange euphoria grips me as the music on the radio and on the loudspeakers at the mall, where I work, suddenly shifts into Christmas mode. It utterly energizes me. But once in a while, there comes along a song I just don't like very much. Here are a few of those.

One Christmas Catalogue - I had never heard this song by one Captain Sensible before my brother, who was working at The Gap at the time, mentioned it to me. He described it as the weirdest Christmas song he ever heard, and I pretty much agree. I'm not sure it's quite accurate to say I “dislike” it since I collapse into giggles every time I hear it. But this techno-style song with its disappointingly unambitious turkeys and random spoken outbursts of the word “Christmas” sure makes me scratch my head. “And there's a turkey in the wings. It doesn't dance and it can't sing. One Christmas catalogue too many. One Christmas catalogue for you.”

The Cherry Tree Carol - I adore Peter Paul and Mary's live Christmas album, and if I had to choose only five Christmas albums to listen to for the rest of my life, that would almost certainly be one of them. But doggone it, this song is just annoying. It's a traditional folksong that I've nonetheless never heard elsewhere, and in it, Mary comes across as a whiny diva, while Joseph needs a stint in anger management and yet-to-be-born Jesus is a show-off. And I thought the George Washington cherry tree tale was goofy... “Then Mary said to Joseph, so meek and so mild, 'Joseph, gather me some cherries, for I am with child.' … Then Joseph flew in anger, in anger flew he. 'Let the father of the baby gather cherries for thee...'”

Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime - All right, this one kinda grates on me too. I love Paul McCartney, and I generally dig his stuff more than John Lennon's, but despite the contempt Lennon often had for Christianity, I can't help loving Happy X-Mas and finding it inspiring. Meanwhile, I can't help disliking this song and finding it insipid. “The choir of children sing their song; they practiced all year long” especially gets to me. 'Cause really? It sounds like they practiced for about ten minutes. And like their director managed to select the Dumbest Song Ever for them to sing for this auspicious occasion.

Happy Holiday - Just irritating. This song, the most common version of which is the swingin' rendition by Andy Williams, has some of the stupidest lyrics in all of Christmas music. The tone of the song is so flippant, it just sounds like he's poking fun at the whole thing. He also sounds borderline tipsy. Eye-rolling. “It's the holiday season, so whoop de do and dickory dock. Don't forget to hang up your sock, 'cause just exactly at 12 o'clock he'll be comin' down the chimney down...”

Little Saint Nick - The Beach Boys are notable for their amazing harmonies, and that's still present here. And I suppose there's a certain charm in their taking their tendency to sing about souped-up cars and transferring it to Santa's sleigh. But boy howdy, “Christmas comes this time each year”? Thank you, Captain Obvious... And I'll just lump in Run, Rudolph, Run here because there's something about that song that seriously gets on my nerves, especially when Chuck Berry sings it. Something about the weird syntax, I think. And "reindeers".  And the word “wet” as a verb.

The Christmas Shoes - I feel like this makes me a terrible curmudgeon. The thing is, I think I enjoyed this Newsong tune well enough the first few times I heard it. But then it just started getting on my nerves. It's way overplayed, and it's just so over-the-top. What really bugs me, I think, is the bridge. Granted, I understand that people come into each other's lives at particular times and affect one another deeply, and sometimes that can feel positively providential. And maybe it is. But something just really rubs me the wrong way about the narrator belting out his conviction that “God had sent that little boy to remind me what Christmas is all about.” Um, this kid is about to lose his mother to a terminal illness. Maybe it's not all about you, dude. And kid, your heart's in the right place, but if your mom is that close to death, my guess is she'd rather have you there than out here fighting the crowds and risking not getting back home in time. “Can you hurry, sir? Daddy says there's not much time. See, she's been sick for quite a while, and I know these shoes will make her smile, and I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.”

The 12 Days of Christmas - Any straightforward version of the song with no humor added in. I just have come to find that I lack the patience for this one. Of course, I could listen to the Straight No Chaser version all day, but the whole point of that one is making fun of the absurdity of the song while paying tribute to lots of other great Christmas tunes. (And Toto.) If you stop to think about the lyrics, they are completely nonsensical. Every gift but the five golden rings is alive, and half of the gifts are people, for crying out loud. Now, maybe that just means that your true love hired some very lavish entertainment, but whatever the case may be, it's all a little too extravagant for my tastes, and the song is just way too monotonous. “On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping, 10 lords a-leaping, 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 golden rings, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtledoves and a partridge in a pear tree.”

Santa Baby - This one gets played on the mall radio a lot. There are lots of different versions; Madonna's probably annoys me the most. It just sort of encapsulates everything that's wrong with this time of year. Oh, the unrelenting avarice! I suppose I should applaud this person for being so virtuous all year (which the speaker in Simple Plan's similarly annoying My Christmas List doesn't seem to have bothered with), but she (or occasionally he) sure doesn't seem very sincere about it, and it's all for personal gain. And such big-ticket items... I mean, a platinum mine??? Maybe what this person really needs to do is snag the true love of the speaker in the song just above... “Santa baby, and fill my stocking with a duplex and checks. Sign your X on the line, Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight.”

Baby, It's Cold Outside - Okay, so this really isn't a Christmas song at all, but it gets so much airplay this time of year that it might as well be. It's just this gin-soaked, smoky exercise in seduction, and while I suppose the girl is just playing hard to get, a part of me feels like she really would like to get away and this guy is pretty much holding her captive. Some versions include extra flirtatious banter that make it seem more obviously two-sided, but those tend to annoy me just as much. Celtic Thunder's Ryan Kelly covered this song recently along with singer Charley Bird, and he identified it as one of his all-time favorite Christmas songs, but I really could do without it. “There's bound to be talk tomorrow; (Think of my lifelong sorrow) At least there will be plenty implied. (If you caught pneumonia and died...)”

Christmas Wrapping - I wasn't going to include this song by the Waitresses because it's grown on me in the past couple of years, since I've heard it enough on the mall radio to finally catch most of the lyrics.  It's actually a rather amusing and sweet story of a gal and a guy who circumstances seem determined to keep apart, until fate intervenes at Christmastime.  But for years before that, all I really noticed was the blah, monotonous tone of the singing and the equally monotonous melody.  And my best friend berated me for leaving this off the list.  So here it is!  "'Bah, humbug!' No, that's too strong 'cause it is my favorite holiday.  But all this year's been a busy blur.  Don't think I have the energy..."

The Night Santa Went Crazy - Weird Al is generally a pretty G-rated guy, and he's certainly been a big inspiration to me in my lyric-writing endeavors. But this twisted take on the jolly old elf just makes me cringe. Instead of rampaging reindeer running over Grandma (another song I'm not a huge fan of), we've got Santa flipping his lid and going all Rambo on everybody at the North Pole. It's a Christmas bloodbath, and I want none of it. “Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doin' time in a federal prison for his infamous crime. Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears, 'cause he'll be out for good behavior in 700 more years!”

Last Christmas - This one has to take the cake as my least favorite. The speaker annoys the heck out of me. Talk about whiny! No wonder the addressee of the song dropped his (or her) heart like a hot potato at the first opportunity. Now, that's mean. I shouldn't say that. I should have a little empathy for this poor schmuck. But somehow, I just can't muster up the energy. The lyrics are obnoxious and often seem contradictory, and there's something so profoundly unlikable about the speaker that all my empathy is reserved for whoever the supposed new object of his (or her) affections is. George Michael's original version is probably still my least favorite, but I've never met a rendition I liked. Though I'll grant that Keith Harkin's is almost tolerable. “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special.”

This is surely not exhaustive, but it's a start. I may add to it later if I come up with some other Christmas songs that make my skin crawl. Up next, the more pleasant – and vastly more difficult – exercise of coming up with favorites. But I can't deny the fun of ripping these apart just a bit. This has been a part of Shopaholic_Man's Christmas Music Write-Off. Make a joyful noise and join in the fun!