Are You Brave Enough for Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans?

When she began writing the Harry Potter series, J. K. Rowling could have no way of knowing that her seven-part saga about the adventures of an orphaned wizard would become the book event of the decade. I doubt that she had merchandising on her mind when she invented Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans. But boy, did they turn out to be a marketable idea! I’ve seen several snacks inspired by goodies mentioned in the Harry Potter books come and go: sugar mice, blood pops, chocolate frogs, cockroach clusters. But none of them seem to have anywhere near the staying power of these beans.

I suspect that’s partly because the others have some magical component in the books that just doesn’t come across in real life, and frankly the ones I’ve tried have been rather unappetizing. But the premise of Bertie Bott’s beans is very simple: high-quality jelly beans that come in a variety of flavors. Jelly Belly already had the tasty ones down, and they quickly stepped up to the plate to concoct the disgusting ones as well.  (Note: Upon posting this review, I discovered that there is another Bertie Bott's manufacturer that features different flavors than Jelly Belly.  Same concept, but I haven't tried those ones; experience tells me, though, that Jelly Belly is hard to beat in the jelly bean department.)

I won’t lie and tell you I’ve been brave enough to actually sample the grotesque flavors in this assortment. While I can easily see many children having a blast challenging each other to eat the more unpalatable beans - or maybe, if my brother and cousin’s experiments were typical, dumping them into a blender and coming up with a gag-inducing smoothie - I’m guessing most adults would rather stick to the safer stuff and chuckle over the existence of the nastier varieties. My friends who have been bold enough to try every flavor assure me they taste authentic. If you really wanted to be devious, you could buy some and dump them into a bowl for guests, not informing them that there’s anything different about this batch. Of course, some of them are so distinct-looking that they might smell a rat; the Vomit and Booger flavors are especially striking, with their clashes of unappealing colors.

I bought some for a Potterphile friend of mine a couple of years ago, and while she got a kick out of them, last I heard she still hasn’t dared to dip into the box. It’s more souvenir than snack. Jelly Belly truly is a leader in the world of jelly beans, which I never liked until I discovered this company. Their specialty boxes include Smoothie, Soda Pop Shoppe, Sport, Sour and Tropical, so a specialty Harry Potter box - or bag - fits right in. The flavors unique to Bertie Botts include Black Pepper, Dirt, Earthworm, Grass, Sardine and Soap. Newer flavors that weren’t in the first boxes include Rotten Egg, as well as Bacon; I’m surprised the latter seems to qualify as turn-off flavors, as there are few tastes I like more. Then again, candy and meat or even dairy is a strange combination. Of course, no Bertie Bott’s collection would be complete without the bean that prompted Headmaster Albus Dumbledore to proclaim, “Alas! Earwax!”

Not all boxes and bags have the exact same flavors, but among the more normal flavors you might encounter are Apple, Cinnamon, Grapefruit, Cotton Candy, Cherry, Blueberry, Lemon and, if you’re lucky, my favorite, Buttered Popcorn - though many seem to consider that yellow and white bean more of a candidate for the gross bunch. This bag is a three-and-a-half-ounce collectible and comes with 20 different flavors, as well as the essential flavor guide. If you’re not too sure about these, you might want to go for the 1.6-ounce box, which sells for a couple of dollars, instead.

I’m hoping that when the new Harry Potter theme park opens, some of the world’s great confectioners will have put their heads together to create Butterbeer, the favorite beverage of Hogwarts students. I’ve been craving a mug of that foamy goodness for a decade. Of course, my brother assures me that nothing they come up with could ever live up to the way we’ve imagined Butterbeer to be. He’s probably right. But considering how brilliantly Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans have made the transition from fantasy to reality, I can’t help thinking I have reason to hope...