Carface Remembers He Has a Heart in An All Dogs Christmas Carol

I was browsing around Netflix yesterday when I discovered that there was an All Dogs Go to Heaven Christmas movie – and that, even better, it was available to watch online. While I raised an eyebrow over the existence of this second sequel to the animated Don Bluth film about a rough-and-tumble dog with a heart of gold, I loved the original, so I figured it would be worth a shot. As I expected, An All Dogs Christmas Carol is a cute enough, if wholly unnecessary, adaptation of the Charles Dickens classic.

After the second (rather abysmal) All Dogs Go to Heaven movie, there was evidently a television series starring these characters, and I get the sense that this movie is in line with that series. It doesn’t seem to pick right up from where the movie left off; I tried not to remember too much about that shoddy sequel, but there seemed to be some continuity issues that maybe could have been ironed out through the TV series. I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt there. Still, this movie, at a scant hour and fifteen minutes in length, basically screams “quick moneymaker” to me. It’s nothing but a retelling of A Christmas Carol, and considering the fact that the original movie was a fairly powerful story of redemption itself, giving us another redemption story here that is such an obvious rip-off doesn’t feel nearly as compelling. I mean, you could take any number of shows or movies and make the resident grouchiest / meanest character into Scrooge and use side characters as the ghosts who help him or her recover the Christmas spirit. It’s been done over and over again. One of my all-time favorite television episodes, M*A*S*H’s Dear Sis, has an element of A Christmas Carol about it. But it isn’t just a straightforward rehash, which this is.

The villainous canine gangster Carface (Ernest Borgnine) is up to his old tricks. This time, he’s got a magical gizmo that hypnotizes any dog within hearing range, allowing him to make out like a bandit when they march up to him in a daze and give him all their stuff. He and his faithful assistant, Killer (Charles Nelson Reilly), have had it with these little gigs, though. They want to pull off something truly impressive, so Carface makes a deal with the devil, or at least a truly demonic canine named Belladonna (Bebe Neuwirth). If he holds up his end of the bargain, Christmas will be ruined forever. But Charlie (Steven Weber, the third actor to voice the character), his ladylove Sasha (Sheena Easton) and his best friend Itchy (Dom DeLuise) have a plan to stop Carface. With some help from another magical gizmo, this one provided by goody-two-shoes angel Annabelle (Neuwirth), they will take a page out of Dickens’ book and try to show Carface the error of his ways.

Charlie literally hits upon the idea of essentially reenacting A Christmas Carol, so the plot is derivative even within the world of the movie. And for as vile as Carface is – much worse, really, than Scrooge, who was cranky and cold but didn’t go around trying to kill people – it sure doesn’t take long for his heart to start melting. It happens a little too quickly. Then again, I got whiplash from him going back and forth between feeling really emotional over what he was seeing and closing himself off and flying into a violent rage.

I did rather like the first two segments, though. The Christmas Past part features the only decent song in the movie, in which he sadly remembers the little boy he loved who always made excuses for his bad behavior until, one fateful Christmas, he didn’t. Which, he realizes, is why he hates Christmas so much, not to mention why he would rather use others than get attached to them. In the Christmas Present section, I love the fact that Sasha guides Carface while dressed as Santa Lucia – especially since I happened to watch it on Santa Lucia Day. The Christmas Future part, usually so terrifying and desolate, is the weakest of the three, with an annoying centerpiece of Charlie singing a gospel-tinged song about how Carface has to mend his ways.

As with A Christmas Carol - as well as All Dogs Go to Heaven - it’s a youngster in trouble who is really the deciding factor in bringing about the change in heart. In this case, it’s a puppy with a bum leg who reminds Carface of his younger self. That element is sweet enough, though one wonders why Anne Marie, the little girl he abused in the first movie, didn’t have the same sort of effect on him. Additionally, it’s not enough for Carface to awake on Christmas morning wanting to be a better dog. No, he has to decide whether or not to participate in the nefarious plan that seemed so appealing to him hours before, and this aspect of the movie is pretty goofy, since he keeps changing his mind as to whether or not to throw the all-important switch that will hypnotize every dog in San Francisco.

A Christmas Carol is a powerful story, so even though this is nowhere near the best version I have seen, it’s still reasonably touching from time to time. And it’s certainly not the worst version out there. But this is one edition of A Christmas Carol I don’t expect to turn into a Christmas tradition.

Around Epinions in 80 Days: Skipper Dan Leads the Pack on Weird Al's Internet Leaks

I’ve been a fan of the delightfully loopy Weird Al since middle school, and I’ve been following his music with particular interest since I started my ongoing parody-writing project in 2006. Later that year, he released Straight Outta Lynwood, a full-length album that tickled my funny bone in a big way. Last year, Al decided to do something a little different. He crafted an EP, which he released online one song at a time - hence the title Internet Leaks. Every Weird Al fan had ample opportunity to listen to his songs for free and chuckle over the corresponding YouTube video well before the full album was available for purchase. Pretty cool of him... But then, that’s Al!

Whatever You Like - The funny thing about this song is that I heard a different parody of T. I.’s Whatever You Like before I heard either this or the original song. The schoolchildren who adapted the song to make it an anthem of civic awareness got a lot of attention during the late 2008 Election Season, and their performance was clever, fun and even inspiring. Weird Al’s enjoyably goofy song also has a slight political element; he starts it off by talking about the crummy economy, then goes on to assure his ladylove that lack of funds won’t stop him from being generous to her. The speaker’s notion of extravagance is rather dubious, however. Melodically monotonous but lyrically inventive, this song is a celebration of all things economical. “And you can always ride the city bus. / Got a stack of tokens just for us. / Yo, my wallet’s fat and full of ones. / It’s all about the Washingtons, that’s right...”

Craigslist - I’m not that crazy about the sound of this song, which approximates The Doors. Weird Al does his best wailing Jim Morrison impersonation, enlisting Doors keyboardist Ray Manzarek to better mimic the band’s style. The video, meanwhile, is filled with trippy images that bear no immediate connection to the lyrics at hand. But it’s a fun song, and those much more familiar with the Doors than I praise it as a meticulous style parody. While the first track is largely a list of cheap items, this is a series of oddball Craigslist ads. Each is bizarre for a different reason.

One offers a very uneven trade of items. Another seeks to reconnect with a You’re Beautiful-style love at first sight. A third, and probably my favorite despite its lack of rhyme, is an unfounded letter of complaint from someone annoyed that somebody else was annoyed about him holding up the coffee shop line while talking on his cell phone, and the last hearkens back to Whatever You Like with a “generous” offer with many strings attached. “Got a trash can of Styrofoam peanuts, / You can have ‘em for free. / You can drop by on the weekend and pick ‘em up from me. / But the trash can ain't part of the deal. / Only givin' you the peanuts, get real. / Don't have no Hefty bags, so bring your own. / Don't bug me with questions on the phone...”

Skipper Dan - My favorite track on the album by far, it’s the only one that isn’t spoofing anyone in particular. It’s the most melodic of the songs, and it has a lovely melancholy tone to it and reminds me of Avenue Q's What Do You Do With a B.A. in English? This one is for all of the frustrated artists out there, whether they’re painters, writers, musicians or, like the narrator of this tragi-comic ballad, thespians. The song, along with its very watchable animated video, lacks the over-the-top silliness of many Weird Al compositions, instead going for a subtler, mellow humor.

In one of M*A*S*H‘s most memorable episodes, Hawkeye Pierce says that he laughs his way through the Korean War to keep from screaming, and that’s sort of the feeling I get from this song. Skipper Dan, a promising young actor who once received accolades but is now stuck doing the groan-worthy narration for an amusement park attraction 34 times a day, is “laughin' at my own jokes but I'm cryin' inside / 'Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride.” As we chuckle at his misfortune, we relieve our angst over our own disappointments. Weird Al at his most poignant. “I should be there on Broadway / Knockin' 'em dead in 12 Angry Men, / But instead I'm here tellin' these lame jokes / Again and again and again and again and again and again and again...”

CNR - When I first heard this, I didn’t think it was a musical homage to anyone in particular, but it’s actually a style parody of the White Stripes. Which shows how much I know about them. Who it did make me think of was Chuck Norris, the subject of so many of those ridiculous statements of superiority that I’ve doled out to eager cell phone users while working for the mobile answering service ChaCha. You’ve probably heard some of them: “Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.” “Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.” “Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.” You get the idea. That’s basically what CNR is - except that the subject is not roundhouse kick king Chuck Norris but the dearly departed (and definitely daffy) Charles Nelson Reilly. I’d been wondering what those letters could stand for and completely cracked up when I found out while watching the hilariously animated JibJab video, into which fans can insert themselves through the magic of photo uploading.

I’ll always remember a Saturday Night Live sketch in which Will Ferrell as James Lipton of Inside the Actor’s Studio interviews Charles Nelson Reilly, heaping him with embarrassingly effusive praise and even inventing a word - “scrumtrulescent” - to describe him because no existing words are sufficient. I’m guessing Al saw that sketch because his song is all about CNR’s scrumtrulescence, although he’s been dramatically reinvented as a larger-than-life Jim Croce-style character (and I love the song’s sly references to Bad, Bad Leroy Brown and You Don’t Mess Around With Jim). The style of the song is loud and screamy, and I would have preferred if he’d taken the nod to Croce further and made it something acoustic and easy-going. But boy, is this song fun, even though it does get a little out of hand. “Charles Nelson Reilly figured out cold fusion, but he never ever told a soul. / I've seen the man unhinge his jaw, and swallow a Volkswagen whole...”

Ringtone - This Queen style parody includes some choral singing, some snazzy electric guitar riffs and a whole lot of falsetto, as well as many instances of there being too many words to comfortably fit in one melodic phrase. The entertaining video features a large cast of characters and focuses largely on one offender who looks a lot like The Office’s Jim Halpert. We get to see him tick off everybody from Barack Obama to Mary Poppins with his irritating ringtone, which we never hear, because somehow I doubt any ditty could live up to this sort of negative hype. It’s not so easy to sing along with, since it kinda goes every which way, as Queen songs are wont to do. But it’s a fun end to the album - and, I suppose, a clever way to encourage fans to buy a Ringtone ringtone and annoy their friends to pieces. “Well, it made my wife so sick / She smashed my iPhone with a brick. / But I had it fixed, and now it's just fine. / It's a pain, I sure don't need it / And I probably should delete it / But for me that would be crossin' the line / 'Cause I hate to waste a buck ninety nine.”

If you’re willing to plunk down $5.99, Internet Leaks is a terrific collection of songs from the King of Parody. And if you’re not, you can always go have a look at YouTube...