Weird Al Produces a Twisted Tribute to the Simple Life With Amish Paradise

When my brother Benjamin was in middle school, he discovered Weird Al Yankovic, and he was eager to introduce the rest of the family to this wacky producer of novelty songs. I wasn't convinced. At the time, it was my policy to disapprove of whatever new music Benjamin brought into the house, but gradually he wore me down, getting me to embrace the man who has since become a major inspiration to me in my own parody-penning efforts. Amish Paradise is probably the song that really sold me on him.

That's a bit odd, since I've never had much time for rap, though Gangsta's Paradise is a song I always felt had merit. What really drew me to Al's parody was his subject matter, as I have always had a fascination with all things Amish. My grandparents live near Lancaster, Pennsylvania, so I've seen my share of the long beards, plain clothes, intricate quilts and horse and buggies that are common to these deeply religious, agriculturally-minded people. But I always welcome to opportunity to read a new story or watch a new movie about them, so why not a song?

Granted, Al pokes fun. But he never comes across as mean-spirited, and he packs his song with all sorts of references to the Amish lifestyle. The vast majority of the words are rapped, but he sings the chorus, which, with the exception of a deviation that makes entertaining use of the Gilligan's Island theme song, consists of "livin' in an Amish Paradise" and as many phrases as he can think of that legitimately rhyme with it. There's also a severe-sounding choir that "ah-ah-ah"s at the beginning and end of the song, giving it an appropriate feeling of antiquity.

As with so many of his songs, the video adds a whole layer of amusement. A friend of Benjamin's taped a special that played several Weird Al videos right after the original videos on which they were based, making for easy comparisons. Al incorporates several clever spoofs of Gangsta's Paradise, while still making it entirely accessible to those who aren't familiar with Coolio's video.

Al's ability to manipulate his voice and appearance to suit his songs has always impressed me, and in this video he looks perfectly natural with his long beard, little glasses and black ensemble, complete with hat. I love the little visual details like the man checking his sundial watch and the "How Am I Driving?" bumper sticker on a horse and buggy. Still, it's the cleverness of Al's lyrics that pack the biggest punch. Stuff like "We ain't really quaint, / so please don't point and stare; / We're just technologically impaired" and "So don't be vain, and don't be whiny, / or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your hiney!"

The response of the stricken Amish community to the tragic Nickel Mines incident goes to show that retribution probably isn't high on the priority list of most of these people, but other details, such as all the references to raising barns, churning butter, plowing, feeding livestock, creating quilts and studying the Bible, ring pretty true. If you want a respectful, realistic portrayal of the Amish, look to Beverly Lewis or Witness. If you just want a silly reminder of some of the things that make this culture unique, Weird Al is the way to go.

Alapalooza - Parody Lovers' Paradise

Around the time I was in eighth grade, my brother’s buddies introduced him to an off-the-wall singer by the name of Weird Al Yankovic. As my then-11-year-old brother’s fascination with Al increased, my irritation level rose. Any new music Benjamin was bringing into the house, I stubbornly decided, could not be a good thing. But, gosh darn it, Al wore me down. And after that, there was no turning back…

Amish Paradise - The song that started it all for both Benjamin and me. I had actually heard Gangsta’s Paradise before, so I knew right away what this song was a take-off on. It’s a rap, though pretty “soft” as rap goes. I usually can’t stand even hearing rap (and Al’s new Eminem parody unsurprisingly gives me a bit of a headache), but this I can deal with. And I’ve always been fascinated by the Amish. It’s not exactly a reverent look at the life of these hard-working, old-fashioned, deeply religious Dutchmen, but it does touch on many aspects of Amish life and is also pretty darn funny.

The song is filled with wry comments such as “we’re gonna party like it’s 1699,” “we haven’t even paid a phone bill in 300 years,” “we’re just technologically impaired,” “I never wear buttons but I’ve got a cool hat and my homies agree I really look good in black,” and “I know I’m a million times as humble as thou art.” It also includes a nod to Gilligan’s Island with the line “no phone, no lights, no motorcar, not a single luxury; like Robinson Crusoe, it’s primitive as can be” popping up in one of the choruses. Top-notch.

Everything You Know is Wrong - This one just came out Al’s convoluted brain all by itself, melody included. Very fast-paced and ridiculously random, this song leaves me in stitches every time. It includes a number of pop culture references, including “the floating, disembodied head of Colonel Sanders,” “aliens from space who kinda looked like Jamie Farr,” Golden Grahams, and a Nehru jacket of which St. Peter does not approve. It’s a wild and crazy journey beginning with a wolverine in the narrator’s underwear and ending in an unsavory section of Heaven next to a noisy ice machine. Al’s voice is pitched at an especially whiny level here, and it adds to the hilarity.

Cavity Search - This parody of U2’s Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me has sent cold shivers down my spine on more than one occasion. The mood is loud, chaotic, horrifying. I, like many others out there, hate going to the dentist, and this song, complete with its arsenal of sound effects, is enough to make me ill at ease. The drill is especially unsettling. “Numb me, drill me, floss me, bill me.” Doesn’t sound like fun to me! Good parody, but it gives me the willies…

Callin’ In Sick - Another Al original, this one details all the great things that can be done with the day spent playing hooky from work. “Freedom’s just seven digits away,” the speaker declares, though his ideas for filling up his glorious free time are less than exciting. Shining pennies? Burping Tupperware? Making a tapestry of belly button lint? Wow. As languid as Everything You Know is Wrong is manic, this one’s not quite as absurd but still pretty fun.

The Alternative Polka - I have to admit, this one irritates the heck outta me. It’s just a long list of snippets from then-current songs strung together and sung at a different tempo. For me, it’s long, boring, and headache-inducing.

Since You’ve Been Gone - Short and sweet (or not so sweet), this more than makes up for the regrettable polka. This Al original is a fifties-style ditty with some nice back-up vocals. Very pleasant to listen to. The lyrics are increasingly violent and ultimately ironic. This poor guy is just miserable since his girlfriend/wife’s departure, and he demonstrates the depths of his despair in graphic terms. He compares his pain to chewing on tinfoil, sticking his hand in a blender and turning it on, having a cactus shoved up his nose, and getting a permanent ice cream headache. A surprise twist at the end makes the song all the more enjoyable.

Gump - A case in which the parody makes a lot more sense than the original. Presidents of the USA? I always was quick to point out that spelled out POTUSA. I humbly submit they were using pot, or perhaps something stronger, when composing Lump. My analysis: huh? Gump, however, is a great song poking fun at one of my favorite movies, just out in the theaters at that time. It’s basically a quick plot overview with a few soundbytes thrown in, but it definitely works. “Sittin’ on a bench with his hands in his pockets, he just kept sayin’ ‘Life is like a box of chocolates.”

I’m So Sick of You - Another Al original, and he sounds irritated. He’s stuck with the most aggravating gal on the planet, and he just can’t take it anymore. Her habits include drinking milk out of the carton and biting her toenails, and she boasts such traits as extreme body odor and yellow teeth. Includes some sly self-censoring: “You don’t have an ounce of class, you’re just one big pain in the neck.” An entertaining rant.

Syndicated, Inc. - This parody of Soul Asylum’s Misery is pretty miserable sounding. Perhaps it’s the drone of a man who has spent too much time in front of the television, as this person certainly has. Basically a listing of several syndicated shows, the song pokes fun at people who base their lives around a TV schedule. Show nods include Jeopardy, M*A*S*H (my favorite!), The Munsters, The Partridge Family and Laverne and Shirley.

I Remember Larry - A rather grotesque Al original. Fairly upbeat throughout most of the song, the tone slows towards the end as the speaker exacts vengeance on a neighbor fond of playing cruel and elaborate tricks on him. With such pranks as Nair shampoo, Ex-Lax brownies, and severed cars under his belt, it’s no wonder Larry has made a few enemies, but the ending is rather unnecessarily violent. The chorus is a cover for all the dreadful occurrences listed in the verses. Larry clearly was not a very funny guy, at least to his victims. And the speaker will not forget about Larry, but it won’t be good memories he is carrying.

Phony Calls - This parody of TLC’s Waterfalls makes use of clips of Bart Simpson’s classic phone pranks on Moe, enhancing an already song. The speaker is a cantankerous person who has been bothered often by crank callers. Someone with whom the gullible bartender Bart keeps fooling could definitely sympathize. Or maybe it’s even supposed to be him. At any rate, the song references the classic “Is your refrigerator running?” gag as well as a couple others and serves as a warning to unruly youths out to have some fun at the expense of adults: “If they ever figured out where you were callin’ ‘em from, they’d come and bust your head right in with a ratchet.”

The Night Santa Went Crazy - The album concludes with yet another Al original, and a pretty gruesome one at that. There are two versions of this song in existence because the first is simply too violent for most people’s tastes. The song begins innocently with a music box-like accompaniment for the opening, but that soon changes as Santa bursts in on the working elves and begins his rampage, killing and destroying whoever and whatever he can get his hands on. “Merry Christmas to all! Now you’re all gonna die!” The reindeer suffer an especially dire fate. Not a very cheery Christmas song, and a tad skewered for my tastes, though my brother loves it.

Well, that’s the album. I don’t love every song here, but most of them keep me in stitches. They are occasionally a little crude, but for the most part it’s pretty clean fun. Weird Al is hilarious, and I’m glad Benjamin brought him home after all.