The Scariest Thing About Critters 3 is That it Was Ever Made

A few weeks ago, my little brother and I were searching for a movie in order to remove from our immediate memories a few lingering nightmare-inducing remnants of a rather unsettling movie. Why, then, in order to wash out the taste of serial murder, did we allow our channel-surfing to lead us to a film involving a species of aliens with very large teeth who decide to mutilate the unsuspecting residents of an apartment complex? Because it was bad. Very bad. Bad enough that we erupted into sudden bursts of riotous laughter induced by the cheesy cinematography or the gag-me-with-a-spoon dialogue. Bad enough that it now ranks with The Swans on my hierarchy of bad movies. Doesn't sound convincing enough for you? Read my review of The Swans. It's that bad.

Okay, okay. So I think I've made my opinion regarding the quality of this movie rather clear. But what's really scary is that it is the third -- and, might I add, not the final -- film in a series. If Critters 3 is in any way indicative of the quality of its predecessors and successors, I can't believe the captains of this ill-fated ship didn't bail out early on. Speaking of ships, Critters 3 harbors a familiar face. Leonardo DiCaprio, whose role in Titanic briefly made him one of the most recognizable names in Hollywood, stars as a troubled pre-teen who hates his step-father. That is, until about half an hour into the movie, when his step-father is torn to shreds by the hairy new tenants of the apartment complex he owns. Then, little Leo's character is overwhelmed with guilt, but he doesn't have much time to think about it since he's too busy trying to avoid becoming fodder for the insatiable critters.

Throw into the mix another troubled pre-teen, this one a girl desperate for her absentee father's attention, and her brother, a tiny tot with a magic object given to him by an eccentric man he met in the woods. "When it glows green," he tells the boy, "that's the time to watch out for yourself." Then there's the elderly gentleman who believes in the stories that aliens landed nearby several years ago and the portly, spaced-out woman who narrowly escapes a brush with the "nasty things," which she alternately describes as beavers and porcupines.

I'll admit that I did throw the covers over my eyes whenever those malevolent tumbleweeds sunk their cast-iron choppers into some poor victim's flesh, but as I averted my eyes I giggled. The attacks had all the authenticity of that of the killer rabbit in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but this time, they weren't meant to be funny. They were. And the descriptions of the assailants were equally amusing -- particularly the manner in which they were delivered. The acting in this movie is most abhorrent. It ought to be shown to a beginner's drama class as an example of what not to do.

And then there's the whole link to the other movies through the "expert" critter catcher, who is sort of a mix between Gomer Pyle and Steve Urkel. Through a series of bizarre and baffling flashbacks, apparently actual clips from previous movies, we learn near the beginning of the film that this freaky-looking fella who rises out of the ground to scare little children was abducted by aliens. At the end of the movie, while the credits are rolling, we watch the unexpected footage which freezes at the most inopportune moments and reveals that the aliens who have ordered him to annihilate the critters have now informed him that he cannot finish the job. It's illegal to destroy the last member of a species.

And so we are prepped for Critters 4. Will the anticipation never end? Will I spend my nights nervously nibbling my nails into stubs as I consider the prospects of a world inhabited by an infant critter? Will I ever learn not to be lured in by TBS' late-night B-rated movie? And where did that tumbleweed in the corner come from? I don't recall seeing it there befo....arghhhhhh!!!!!